


In Your Eyes

by Ghost145



Category: The Ultimate Sidemen
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Drug Use, M/M, Past Relationship(s), SIDEMEN DRAGONS DEN (SHARK TANK), SIDEMEN SPILL YOUR GUTS OR FILL YOUR GUT, SIDEMEN TINDER IN REAL LIFE (YOUTUBE EDITION), Secret Relationship, no au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:29:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24301387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghost145/pseuds/Ghost145
Summary: “I can't,” Simon whispered. It sounded like he was trying to convince himself rather than tell Harry.“Why not?” Harry asks. The anger was bubbling up again. By now Harry’s body craved the taller boy’s touch so much that he was shaking.“I can’t do this to Talia”Harry wanted to punch a wall. Simon was really choosing Talia over him again. Why did it matter? He had cummed due to Harry only a couple of days ago. Talia wasn’t even on Simon’s mind back then.“For fuck’s sakes Simon! You are choosing her over me again!” Harry was very mad.“I am sorry that I am not willing to cheat on my girlfriend like you!”
Relationships: Harry Lewis/Simon Minter
Comments: 5
Kudos: 81





	1. Chapter 1

Harry sat on his phone. It wasn’t an unusual sight to see but he was just waiting for Freezy to finish talking to JJ so they could head back home. Tobi, Ethan and Josh were talking to Kon about the filming that was coming later the same week. Vik had already left, he was in a rush to upload something on his own channel. Harry looked over to Simon and could immediately tell something wrong. He could see the hurt in those foggy grey eyes. Harry once told Simon he could read him like a book, he really had meant that. After all he has seen more of Simon’s expression than anyone. 

Harry was unsure if he should talk to him. It was still awkward to talk to Simon alone even three years later. When they had been fucking it was always Simon who made the effort to make sure Harry was okay, it was never Harry. Harry was never very good at starting the conversations. 

Simon was looking at his phone very nervously, as if he was trying to figure out what to text. It was very uncharacteristic for the tall boy. Simon has always been a stubborn guy, never afraid to put someone in their place. Well he was like that to everyone but Harry. Harry was still debating asking Simon what is up. If he was truthful with himself he was scared of the answer. What if it had something to do with Talia? Harry was clearly not her biggest fan. And knew the topic was extremely awkward between the two boys. She was the reason Simon ended everything with Harry after all. 

Cal and JJ turned their attention to Simon, asking him to pass a request about editing along to one of their editors. Simon nodded but did not look up. It was pretty clear to Harry that there was a problem Simon was trying to hide. In fact he knows that at some point in the video Simon’s mood had turned sour, but he did well to hide it for the camera. Not from Harry though. Harry had finally made up his mind. 

“Are you okay mate?” Harry asked, taking a seat next to the older boy. Simon looked up with surprise written all over his face. It took a bit for him to reply. 

“I am fine,” He replied softly. It definitely looked to Harry that he wasn’t. There was a second where both boys opened their mouths to say something, but quickly closed them. Harry wasn’t quite sure what to say. And after a few more seconds of silence between the two, Harry panicked and stood up. Not before patting Simon on the knee and offering him an apologetic smile. He lumbered over to join Cal’s and JJ’s conversation. He didn’t have to look back to know there was hurt written all over Simon’s face. Harry just didn’t know what to do. 

“We are having a party at our place tomrrow,” Cal announces, pulling Harry to his side and pointing between them. This was not news to any of the other Sidemen, after all they have a group whatsapp conversation where it was mentioned multiple times. Plus parties occurred at the Lewis-McGinley-Airey household quite frequently. Out of the Sidemen it was usually only Ethan who showed. Sometimes Vik and his girlfriend. And even more rarer JJ and Simon with their girls. 

“Can we go now mate?” Harry asks before JJ can reply. He knows JJ will just kindly decline, as he usually does. WIth that Cal agrees it’s time to leave and heads to get his bag from the floor. Harry turns to say his goodbyes to all the rest of the boys but he watches Cal hug Simon out of the corner of his eye. He feels heat in his chest but is unsure what it means. Walking to the door Harry feels Simon’s ash grey eyes on him. He knows if he doesn’t say goodbye to Simon everyone will know something was wrong. But Harry wants to avoid the awkward situation more than anything. Thank goodness Simon has always been the better man because he puts on the fakest smile Harry has ever seen and pats Harry on the back. Harry doesn’t say anything as his eyes search the older man’s hollow eyes. He was once again unsure what to say to his ex lover. Ever since Simon called it quits the pair has been more awkward than when they first met back when Harry was only 15, which says something because Harry is the most socially awkward person alive. 

* * *

Cal and Harry took the train home. Cal was a talker. Only stopping to take a breath every once in a while. He therefore typically spoke way more than Harry. Which was okay, that was how they balanced each other out. Cal was talking uninterrupted about his opinion on the video they just filmed. Harry was listening but he chose to only nod along. 

“Mate I don’t think I did so well in the video. It definitely wasn’t my funniest work,” Cal hung his head in disappointment. There was a cough in the distance and soft talking behind them. “You were very funny though,” Cal added. Harry shrugged. He did feel very pleased at the moment since he felt good about the video. “The story about how you were bruised your cock was hilarious.” 

It definitely wasn’t the first time Cal has heard that story. In fact Harry certainly remembers telling Cal about it the next morning in Germany. Harry never heard the end of it from his bestfriend after. Harry blushed remembering the embarrassing questions thrown his way. But the biggest question Cal had asked and was very serious about, was who was he having sex with. Katie was very clearly not on the trip with him. Of course it was him and Simon. But Cal wasn’t supposed to know that. Harry unconvincing told Cal he got it in a club from a girl he paid for. Cal did not buy it for a second and just assumed Harry cheated on Katie with some random girl. Cal had been half right, Harry had been cheating on Katie, just not with a girl. Maybe that was why Simon’s mood shifted in the video, Harry realized. Maybe he was uncomfortable listening to the story just as much as Harry was telling it. It was also that night that led to Ethan practically finding out about their secret affair. Simon had been pissed they could’ve been caught. Telling Harry that they need to back off a little bit. To take a break. Now that Harry thinks about it maybe that was the start of the end. 

Cal had continued talking but Harry did not notice, his mind elsewhere at the moment. It wasn’t until he heard Simon’s name that Harry refocused on Cal’s words. 

“Poor Simon. He seemed real bummed after what JJ said,” Harry wasn’t sure what Cal was referring to. His confusion must have been obvious because Cal continued. “I think Simon always thought JJ’s family liked him. He has always been there for JJ even from the beginning. And it seemed that JJ doesn’t even stick up for Simon to his parents. Did you see how quiet and upset Simon looked when we were done filming?” 

Harry had felt his heart break for Simon at that moment. He knew Simon wrote that question for the video thinking there was no way it would be him that JJ’s parents hated. Harry didn’t even realize that may be why Simon was so upset after filming. Maybe it had nothing to do with Talia like Harry had originally thought. Maybe it didn’t even have anything to do with him and the night they almost got caught. Or maybe it was a combination of everything. He was really regretting not pressing Simon for more in their conversation, if you can even call it that. Harry hung his head in shame and didn’t even bother replying to Cal. His best friend continued hypothesizing just how much Simon was alienated from the group today. Harry just let him ramble on, wanting nothing more than to return to his bed. 

* * *

It was Friday and the party was in full swing. It was a Valentines day party, Cal’s idea. Currently neither Cal or Callux were in a relationship therefore they wanted to drown their sorrows, using a party as an excuse. Harry and Katie arrived just a little after the party started. They had gone to dinner, getting Harry’s favorite, sushi. He knew Katie wasn’t sure about the party. She hinted many times that she would rather they just return to her apartment and skip the party. She and Harry both knew that if Harry got drunk there was no way they were having sex that night. He would always be too far gone and when he is too drunk he is always pushing her away. They had an argument about Harry’s unwilling to have sex rather recently. Harry knew Katie was worried since they haven’t had sex since their trip to Iceland for her birthday. Well over a month ago. Plus their valentines dinner was rather boring and somewhat awkward. Harry’s mind clearly elsewhere. 

Harry convinced her to go to the party by claiming that they will just pop in for an hour. He even promised not to drink. After the hour was up she pulled on his hand asking to go. While Harry kept his promise to not drink, she has clearly been drinking too much wine. Harry did not want to leave, he was having too much fun watching Freezy’s antics. It was very clear to Harry that Cal was not just drunk but also on something. When he ignored Katie’s begging for the third time, she abruptly left to get another drink and to talk with some of her friends. At that point she knew that she wasn’t getting anything from him that night. 

It was almost one when the party was the busiest. At some point Ethan came with his newest Tinder date. Some busty blonde girl. They were both clearly drunk and were grinding heavily to the music. Since Harry’s promise was long forgotten he now had a drink in his hand. 

Thankfully when Freezy offered him a pill, he told him no. Harry has been sober for a while now. But it didn’t make it any easier to decline the drug when offered to him. 

It was Callux who noticed Simon first. He pointed to the group of people dancing on the other side of the room. He even commented on how rude of Simon not to even greet the hosts. Harry’s eyes immediately landed on the guy. He watched Simon dance with hunger in his eyes. Simon was not a great dancer. He was a tall and lanky dude. If you asked anyone why Simon’s dancing looked okay, they would tell you it was because of the beautiful girl who had her arms wrapped around his neck. Distracting everyone from Simon god awful dancing. But Harry didn’t even notice her. 

As if he could feel eyes on himself, Simon started scanning the room. Grey eyes that were like the fog on a winding road meet Harry’s bluish green eyes. The two stared at each other. Both challenging the other to look away first. In that moment Talia pulled Simon’s face closer to hers. She started kissing his jaw and the corner of his lips. His mouth stayed flat and unwilling to grasp hers. His eyes remained on Harry. There was hunger in his stormy grey eyes, similar to Harry’s. Harry gritted his teeth, he did not want to be the one to lose the battle but he felt the heat in the bottom of his stomach again. He dragged his eyes away from his ex lover and instead studied his cup. Making a brief decision Harry chugged the rest of the drink before getting up. He was in need of a new drink. Something stronger. Harry made his way to the kitchen, he knew Simon’s eyes that were as grey as thick, prowling clouds in a thunderstorm were following his every move. Harry had lost their battle. He sighed and felt the crave for something to take his anxiety away with. 

* * *

It was Wednesday when Harry found himself in Simon’s presence again. They were filming the latest edition of Sidemen Tinder. All throughout the video Harry couldn’t stop taking glances towards Simon to see if he was alright. Harry wanted to apologize for his lack of help after the filming last Thursday but if Simon was no longer upset what was the point of beating a dead horse. Simon must have moved on since he was all smiles in the video today. He had even given Harry multiple high fives and was rather encouraging to all the guys. But there was a point in the video where Simon made a joke about wanting to go halves on a baby with one of the girls, Harry and the rest of the guys all cringed. But for some odd reason it had worked and the girl swiped right on him. Proud of himself Simon turned to the group already on the yes side, which included Harry. Simon was rewarded with cheers from the group. Simon raised his arms in victory. But it was at that moment Harry locked eyes with the taller boy. Simon’s eyes always gave the most tell to Harry. Simon could hide his feelings for the most part but his eyes always flickered with emotions. The first couple times they met Harry simply labeled Simon’s eyes as “grey”. If he was feeling particularly poetic, he called them “silver”. Neither word did them justice. They were so solid, so bright, the exact lustrous color of a polished shard of metal. If you looked closer, you’d see the swirls of glittering blue and tinges of green at the edges. Simon’s eyes were by far Harry’s favorite feature, they did nothing to hide his beauty or his emotions. In that moment when Simon went to high five Harry, he was showing a lot more of himself then he knew. Harry who could read Simon like the back of hand, saw nothing but shame and pain in those alluring eyes. 

* * *

Kon was packing up with the help of Josh and the other camera men. The girls who guest starred in the video did not stick around. Rather the group of guys stood in a semi circle chatting among themselves. Harry and Vik about an upcoming festival. Ethan, Cal, JJ, Stephan and Callux about making plans to hang out tonight. Simon and Tobi about something that Harry couldn’t hear. It was after the fourth time that JJ declined when Ethan turned to Harry, scaring him with his deep nonchalant voice. 

“You coming for drinks tonight Bog?” Harry knew from his eavesdropping, that both Cals, Stephan and Ethan were planning to hit the bars tonight. Harry agreed without much thought. The date with his girlfriend not even crossing his mind. Instead he turned to Simon, who stood on the other side of the room. 

“Simon, do you want to come for a drink tonight too?” Harry asked. He wanted a chance to apologize and to figure out the mystery behind Simon’s eyes. Plus Harry was feeling particularly brave at that moment. 

Simon stood still with his jaw gaping and his eyebrows raised. The look of surprise was apparent to everyone as they all waited with bated breath. But Harry waited, biting his lip and rubbing his chest. He was starting to regret asking, as the pregnant pause continued. 

Eventually Simon agreed, his eyes the color of dove feathers, the ones with a hue so softly grey that they could have been pencil drawn, did not meet anyone else. Rather they were downcasted to the dark floor just under his feet. Conversations in the room continued on but Harry’s heart was beating a mile a minute. Whatever Vik was saying was flying over Harry’s head. Going through one ear and right out of the other. Harry could feel Ethan beady eyes on him. His face flushed and the tips of his ear burned. Harry knew exactly what Ethan was thinking. 

It took a while after Harry shoved his bruised dick in front of Ethan’s face for Ethan to find out. When Harry came to Ethan with concerns that night. Simon had been passed out. Harry did not want to wake up the man, instead he turned and left, returning to his shared room. Harry never once stayed the night. Rather than asking his lover, the eighteen year old chose to wake his roommate. Ethan, who knew that Harry did not go to a club, did not believe his story at all. When trying to come up with a lie, Harry had forgotten he returned from the bars with Freezy, Ethan and Simon. He had even told Ethan that he was going to hang out with Simon and Cal longer. Unaware that Cal was actually going to bed too, Ethan didn’t even think of Simon and Harry being alone together. Until a very hungover Harry shoved his bruised cock in Ethan’s face. 

The next morning Ethan told everyone who showed up to breakfast, about his rude wake up call. Ethan had thankfully told everyone the lies that Harry had told him before and passed it onto the group. Only Josh, Tobi and Freezy were not at breakfast that morning. But Harry and Simon were there. Harry hung his head in shame and was very tense. He could barely meet Simon’s questioning look. His eyes were grey as smoke and full of heat, as they bore into Harry’s unreadable face. Simon’s surprise did not go unnoticed by Ethan, who was silently investigating Harry’s inconsistent story like a detective trying to solve a case. Ethan knew that Harry was with either Simon or Freezy last night. No way he went to a club alone, after just returning to the hotel after the bars. 

Ethan’s suspicion only began to rise more when a knock came to his and Harry’s hotel room later that day. He answered the door to find a sheepish Simon rocking back and forth on his feet. Simon had looked over Ethan’s shoulder to the boy standing behind him, and asked to speak to Harry alone. Harry seemed hesitant at first but eventually followed the twenty-two year old out the door. Ethan did not see them for the rest of the night. 

It wasn’t until the group’s next trip to Las Vegas, more than six month later when Ethan had finally solved his mystery. Though it definitely wasn’t hard to solve in the end. The Sidemen had gone to a club but at some point the youngest and tallest had disappeared. On his way to the bathroom Ethan came across the two making out sloppily against a wall. Suddenly it had all clicked into place. Ethan’s jaw had clenched and his face turned red. He was angry and disgusted. In the heat of the moment Ethan pulled the two apart and looked about ready to punch them. Simon stood in front of Harry, asking Ethan to calm down. Asking for them to talk. Not having any words Ethan allowed the older to pull him into a backroom. Harry had followed with tears in his eyes. Harry had seen his biggest fear written all over one of his best mates’ faces. 

Once in the room Ethan started to pace the room. He wasn’t thinking before but at that moment his mind was racing. Simon had turned his attention to Harry. His mercury grey eyes silently asking Harry to calm down. Eventually Ethan erupted, he started yelling at Simon for take advantage of Harry, yelling at Harry for cheating on his girlfriend of two year, letting them know that he has been aware of something between the two for a while now, and finally yelling at both of them for risking the rest of the Sidemens’ careers. Eventually Simon calmed him down, coaxing Ethan to keep their secret. He had eventually agreed. 

It took a year for Ethan and Harry’s relationship to return back to its original state. Harry and Simon’s affair was on rocky grounds for a year before Simon cut it off. The rough patch started when he told Harry that they needed to lay off. Their drunken nights of passion began to fade out. Simon avoided Harry and no longer went out for drinks with the group. Although Ethan kept his promise and told no one else, he started to guilt trip Harry about him cheating on his girlfriend for two years. Ethan would often tell Harry he was thinking of just telling poor Katie the truth. Afraid and alone, Harry turned to hard substances. 

* * *

Harry was nervous. Harry and both Cals were making their way to the meeting point, a bar the group has visited many times before. Harry was afraid for what he would see there. What if Simon brought Talia? What if Simon decides not to come? What was Harry even supposed to say to the man he used to spend many nights with? The bar was lively and filled with more people than usual. Harry felt drowned in the crowd. The people flowed like rivers, never stopping for obstacles but swirling around them. Eventually the late group found their mates sitting at a booth in the far corner. Harry was pleasantly surprised to see Simon among the people in the grimy table, talking loudly to Ethan. Talia was nowhere in sight. 

The boys all greeted each other. Harry couldn’t help but return Simon’s contagious dimpled smile, as he scooted over, allowing room for Harry on his right side. When the new boys finally sat at the table. Ethan got up receive more drinks. Conversations flowed between the boys like they were five years old meeting each other on the first day of school. They talked about football, video games, comics, movies and eventually girls. 

“Harry mate, is everything okay with Katie?” Lux asked. Harry’s cheeks burned red hot. He wasn’t sure how he should respond. Should he be honest? Should he lie? Harry quickly looked at Simon and wasn’t surprised to see Simon’s full attention on him. 

“We haven’t had sex in a while?” Harry finally replied after some thought. He decided to tell his friends the truth but it came out as more of a question rather than what he wanted. 

“Why what is wrong?” Stephen asked. Harry could feel Ethan’s eyes on him. 

“I just haven’t felt up to it for a while,” Harry took an enormous gulp of his beer. “Can someone get me another one?” He asked, holding his mug up. 

“Sure Bog,” Freezy said. Cal was at the end of the booth, so he simply slipped off the edge and headed to the bar. Harry was thankful for Freezy. Harry’s eyes shifted over to the tall boy. Simon’s eyes were unfocussed as he stared at his own mug, confusion and concern swam in the grey water of his irises. 

“Can I get with Katie, if you are done with her?” Cal asked once he returned, passing Harry’s drink to him. Everyone’s head whipped around to look at Freezy as if he grew another head. Everyone’s jaw gaping as no one knew what to say. There was a pregnant pause. 

Then to everyone’s surprise Harry started laughing so hard. He had to grip the table and put his head on Simon’s shoulder. The laughing made it hard to hold himself up. Everyone collectively let out a breath. They started to relax and laugh as well. Soon the table was filled with Ethan’s loud roar of laughter, Stephen’s chuckle and Lux’s snicker. Some heads in the pub turned to look at the outrageously loud group of boys. Harry didn’t notice though. His cheek burned where it met Simon’s shoulder blade. He could feel the taller boy’s body convulse with his silent giggle. Simon’s hand reached to his thigh and his large hand clasping Harry’s leg. Heat rushed down Harry’s body. 

“How was your date last night Lux?” Ethan asks once the laughter dies down. Harry was glad the attention was off him now. He lifted his head off of Simon’s shoulder and immediately missed the heat. But Simon’s hand remained on his thigh. Unmoving. 

“She was crazy. I think she was a huge fan cause she knew too much about me.” 

“I have dates like that too”

“Oh yeah, how was your date last Monday Ethan?”

“Shit. We had nothing in common. It pretty much ended after dinner.” 

Conversation continued between the group. Drinks were passed out to everyone every twenty minutes. Everyone was cheerfully tipsy when Stephen made the suggestion to move the party to a club that was just down the street. Everyone scooted out of the booth and started putting on their jackets. Everyone had turned towards the door but Harry stood stuck in place. An idea crossed his mind. 

“Simon can I talk to you for a minute?” Everyone turns back to look at the younger boy. Every boy and including Simon stared as if silently asked why. Panicking Harry said the first thing that came to mind, “I need advice on Katie.” 

Simon’s forehead wrinkled and his lip pursed. He nodded at Harry anyway. Behind Simon, Ethan rolled his eyes but remained quiet. Eventually the group left. Harry led Simon back to a smaller table, in the corner of the dimly lit bar. 

The bravery Harry was feeling before had dissipated, he was once again left feeling awkward. Simon’s nickel grey eyes bore into Harry’s blue eyes. Unsure how to start, Harry was relieved when Simon rescued him once again. 

“I am sorry if I caused everything to be awkward. Before we started our thing we were close friends.” There was a pause before Simon continued, “We might be friends now but I miss how close we were without the sex.” 

Harry was surprised that Simon jumped so boldly to talk about what happened between them. They have skirted around the topic for about three years now. 

“Hey, it wasn’t your fault,” Harry rubbed the back of his neck. “I think I was mostly mad with the way things ended,” He reveals. Sighing, Harry admits the thoughts in the back of his mind for years, “You just stopped needing me.” 

“That isn’t true!” Simon says a little too loudly. He seemed to realize the volume of his voice because what he said next came out as a whisper, “I needed you more than you will ever know but I felt things were getting too deep.” 

“What do you mean too deep?” Simon hesitated before answering. 

“Just with people knowing and Talia coming into the picture,” The sentence felt unfinished. Harry knew there was something he wasn’t saying but he didn’t want to push Simon away. Simon hates talking about himself and closes himself off easily, something Harry has in common. 

“I am sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me to.” 

“It’s okay, we should’ve both been there for each other,” Simon says before his pepper grey eyes turned down towards his hands. The sleeve of his shirt suddenly became more important. He seemed to be thinking about something before adding “Maybe if I had been there, I could have stopped you or at least help.” 

Harry knew he was referring to his addiction. He hated how guilty Simon felt for not being there. But honestly Harry was glad the taller didn’t see him at his worst. But the confusion of Simon ending things with him led Harry to spiral out of control. He felt so insecure and lost. He felt so alone, unable to talk to Katie or his friends about his secret affair. Maybe things would’ve never gotten so bad if Simon didn’t avoid him. 

“Maybe,” Harry admits quietly to the older one. Simon’s storm cloud color eyes fell to his shirt sleeve again. His face as pale as the marble white of Harry’s bedroom walls. 

“You wanted to talk about Katie?” Simon asks, changing the topic. 

“That wasn’t really what I wanted to talk to you about,” Harry watched as a look of relief passed over Simon’s face. Harry really could read Simon easily. “I wanted to ask if everything is okay?” 

Simon seemed unsure how to answer before he gave Harry the usual “I am fine.” 

“You didn’t seem fine after the Sidemen shoot last Thursday?”

“I am okay,” Simon repeated. 

“Well I am sorry I walked away when something was clearly bothering you.” 

“Hey, it’s okay. Seriously.” Harry wasn’t going to accept that. He knew something was still bothering Simon. 

“No it isn’t. Something is clearly wrong.” Harry reached across the table, his hand landing on the other’s jaw. His thumb brushing over Simon’s cheek. “I know you don’t like to let people in but come on Simon, please don’t hide from me.” Harry’s hand dropped immediately after he realized what he was doing. 

Simon’s eyes were soft and as grey as the ocean an instant before dawn’s first rays striking the water. He was clearly contemplating whether to say something or not. Harry prayed that he would talk. Harry wanted Simon to trust him. This was a test of whether they can return to being close friends again or not. 

Finally after a sigh, Simon seemed to have decided to talk. 

“I’ve been feeling very alone lately,” Simon’s words striked Harry. He related to Simon so much. After all, two years ago, Harry felt so lonely that his addiction felt like his only friends. 

“JJ has been busy with his music, but he is also avoiding me.” Harry didn’t know what to say but it was clear Simon didn’t want to tell him why JJ was mad. Harry decided not to ask. 

“Talia and I have been weird lately too. Josh, Tobi and Ethan are too busy to hang out usually. Randolph is busy on his personal album too. And every time I try to hang out with the Cals they are either too drunk or too high.” Simon was talking too fast. Harry, who was a little drunk, was unsure if he heard everything but nonetheless he understood what Simon was trying to say. The fact that Simon didn’t mention him did not go over his head either. 

“Sorry,” Simon added before Harry could even process what he should say. 

“Why are you apologizing again?” 

“I just haven’t been able to unload this stuff with someone and I know how much you hate talking about this stuff.” 

“Hey! I don’t hate hearing you talking about yourself! I just hate talking about myself. Just like you I like to hide it. But I know you will always listen to me, just like how I will always listen to you. Be there for you.” 

Simon was once again looking at that damn sleeve. Harry really just wanted those stunning eyes to look at him. 

“Did you come out tonight because you didn’t want to feel left out anymore?” Harry asked before he really thought about it. He hoped Simon didn’t take that the wrong way. 

“Yes I missed everyone.” There was a short pause before Simon’s grey eyes that were the same color as the moon shifted back to Harry’s. “I really missed you.” 

Harry’s heart lunged. He couldn’t help but smile. Harry immediately stood from his seat and rounded the table. He grabbed Simon’s arm, pulling him from his seat. He tugged Simon into a hug. Their chest pressed together, arm on each other’s back. Harry could feel Simon’s hot breath on his ear. Anyone who knows Harry, knows that he hates hugs cause they always feel awkward. But Harry never had problems hugging Simon. 

“I missed you too,” Harry says into Simon’s neck. Simon’s hand started rubbing soothing circles down Harry’s back. The pleasure of Simon’s motion caused Harry to lose his train of thought. Without thinking Harry said, “I missed you and your hands.” 

After realizing what he admitted, Harry’s face burned with heat. Harry panicked and jumped out of Simon’s embrace. Braving it he took a quick glance to Simon’s face and was met with a look of amusement. Harry’s cheeks turned even more red. 

“Should we go join them before they wonder where we are?” Simon asks, once again coming to Harry’s rescue. Harry agreed. He felt more sober and more relaxed about his and Simon’s friendship. There was still a lot they needed to talk about. They only brushed the surface. They need to discuss in depth about Harry’s addiction, Katie, Ethan, their affair and even more that Harry was unwilling to unpack right then. 

“Thank you for being there for me,” Simon says as the two step out into the cold night. 

“Always,” Harry replies. Both boys smiling as they silently walk, their shoulders brushing each other every step towards the club where the other should be. 

* * *

It’s three am when everyone is tired of their night out. The club’s base shook the floor below their feet. Making the six very drunk boys sway. Walking was like stepping on a boat battling harsh waves. The floor seemed to tilt under their feet. When Simon and Harry joined the rest of the group earlier that night, it didn’t take long for them to play catch up. Both taking way too many shots. When alone, a very drunk Ethan told Harry he thought Simon and him were going to ditch the group and go fuck in a ditch somewhere. Harry could only roll his eyes. He couldn’t help imagining it though. Suddenly heat rushed to his groin. The images of Simon above him, the images of Simon below him, or Simon on his back would not disappear. He wanted him. He craved him. He needs him. But he knew he couldn’t have him. 

It was Lux’s job to round up the group. They were going to order two Ubers in order to return home. He had assembled the group together by the door, like they were five year olds. A frantic and drunk Lux was calling Freezy, for the group was having a hard time finding him. Harry had been talking to Stephen, when he heard Simon tell Lux he was going to the bathroom. 

Excusing himself, Harry followed the other boy. His intoxicated brain was too focused on his needs to really think about what he was doing. He watched Simon enter the bathroom and ran before Simon could lock the door. Before the door could close behind Simon, the wooden door banged open. There stood Harry. Unmoving and now unsure of himself. Simon, who had jumped from the sound of the door hitting the wall, had a look of freight on his face. But once he realized who and why, Simon moved into action. He smirked as he pulled the shorter boy into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. 

The next thing he knew, Harry’s back was pressed against the door. Simon was sliding a hand over his cheek and bringing their mouths together. The force behind the kiss was pushing Harry further against the door. Opening his mouth, he bit Simon’s bottom lip and surged up. Harry then slid a hand over Simon’s jaw. The taller boy made a strangled sound and opened his mouth. Harry used his hand to tilt Simon’s head and deepen the kiss. 

Simon pressed back, trying to take control again, his hand slipped into Harry’s hair and grabbed a fistful. Harry pushed back, grabbing Simon’s hip and digging his fingers in. Simon’s breath hitched and he pulled back slightly. Harry chased him and nipped at his bottom lip before taking his mouth again. The older boy whimpered in his throat and tugged on Harry’s hair, forcing his head back a bit. Fire raced through Harry’s veins and he pushed forward even as it pulled at his hair. He bit at Simon’s lips again. 

Simon’s other hand came to rest on Harry’s hip and he gripped it tight, nails biting him. Harry let out a low sound in his throat and Simon surged against him, pressing their bodies close and kissing Harry deep and demanding. Having thought of nothing else for the majority of the night but Simon getting on his knees for him, Harry made a garbled sound in his throat at the contact, undeniably aroused. Harry was so lost in the feel of Simon’s mouth that he didn’t even think of everything that could go wrong. 

They fought like that, back and forwards, tugging at hair and digging their hands into each other’s hips. Suddenly Simon was sucking on his tongue and Harry groaned at the sensation. Fire surged through his veins and he pushed back against Simon, causing them to nearly topple over. The spell was broken. They broke apart and righted themselves. 

For a moment, they just stared at each other, breathing hard. It took a few seconds before Harry remembered where they were. Simon must have come to his senses as well cause before Harry knew it the older boy was out the door, telling Harry he was sorry as he ran past the younger boy. 

Taking a few more seconds, to catch his breath, Harry left the bathroom. When he reached the rest of the group, he was met with an annoyed Lux and a drugged out of his mind Freezy. Harry’s eye searched for the tall boy, he just spent time with in the bathroom. He barely caught sight of Simon before the older boy entered a car, Ethan and Stephan following behind him. Harry felt the disappointment wash over him. He was suddenly feeling very sober. 

“Are you okay Bog?” Lux asked. 

“Yeah but I threw up in the bathroom,” Harry lied. Lux’s face softened as he reached over to rub Harry’s back. 

“The Uber should be pulling up in a second, then you can get some rest.” Harry nodded.

* * *

Harry awoken to his phone ringing. Reaching over, Harry glanced at the time. He was shocked to see that it was already two in the afternoon. Noticing that it was Katie calling, Harry let it go to voicemail. He was not in the mood to talk to her right now. Once the call ended Harry noticed a text that was sent a little after he passed out last night. 

_Simon Minter: I am sorry. I shouldn’t have done that to you. Please forgive me for pushing things too far. I don’t want to lose anyone again._

Simon must have been scared of losing his girlfriend, thought Harry. But the word again confused the youngest Sidemen. Had Simon lost Talia before? Why had Simon thought he pushed things too far? Wasn’t Harry clearly wanting it too, if not more? There were too many questions and Harry’s head stung due to his massive hangover. Harry just really needed to talk to Simon again. Preferably in person. 

* * *

Harry was once again wearing too tight of pants and an uncomfortable shirt. He was sitting in an overly fancy restaurant, where the guy at the table to the right of theirs was wearing a full suit. Harry was significantly under dress. 

Sitting across Harry was his beautiful girlfriend of six years. Harry had listened to the voicemail she left earlier that afternoon. She was clearly pissed at him. Therefore Harry took her to one of her favorite restaurants, so they could talk. 

“What has gotten into you lately Harry?” She finally asked him. She was obviously waiting the whole night to ask that question. Apparently the appropriate time to ask was after their deserts came. Harry had a bite of cheesecake in his mouth. 

“What do you mean?” Harry asked playing dumb.

“Why are you avoiding me?”

“I am not.” She rolled her eyes at that. Harry definitely deserved that. 

“You’ve been avoiding dates and hanging out. You don’t even invite me over anymore. We haven’t had sex in over a month.” She was clearly mad with him. He knew he had to answer to it eventually. She was clearly not taking no for an answer. He needed to be truthful. 

“I am bi.” The anger disappeared from her face. 

“I figured,” she whispered. She remained quiet for a moment. Her eyes narrowed as a new question popped into her mind. “How is that a problem?” 

Harry was unsure what to say now. He knew telling her that he was bi wasn’t enough. That he needs to say more. He needed to be careful what to say next. 

“I have been with a man in the past,” Harry stopped himself, realizing what he just said. What if she asked him what year he was with a man? He wasn’t ready to admit to her about him cheating on her for almost three years. He knew that was selfish but he didn’t know how he would handle the guilt. Would he turn back to the man with an addiction, like in 2018? 

What if she asked who? They went to school together and she knows every single person he hangs out with. Wouldn’t the first thing she would want to know, is who else had Harry slept with when for years she thought she had been his one and only. 

Katie didn’t even question when or who Harry had sex with. “So?” She asked instead. “Why does that matter?” 

“I just been missing sex with men lately,” Harry winced at his own answered. He didn’t know how to tell her that he wasn’t attracted to her. He loves Katie but not their sex. How does he break it to her? He doesn’t want to hurt her anymore but he can’t lose her. 

“Do you not find me attractive enough?” She asks. Tears were forming in the corner of her eyes and her voice rose a little higher. Harry glanced around to make sure people weren’t listening. Harry thought talking in public would be easier but he was very wrong. 

“Of course I find you attractive!” He rushed to answer. “I just have another need that you can’t satisfy” He could see the pain on her face. Harry felt tears welled in his eyes and his vision became blurry. “I love you but I’ve been avoiding you because I was embarrassed and scared to tell you that.” 

Harry knew that wasn’t the full truth. He had been avoiding her because he couldn’t stop thinking about Simon. He couldn’t look at her without feeling guilty. He had been avoiding her because he didn’t want to break up with her, like he knows he should. She deserves better. But their families and everyone else expects them to get married. He didn’t want to disappoint them more. 

“I am not mad at you,” She replies after a bit of awkward seconds. 

“You should be.” 

“I think I should just take a step back. I am really not mad but I need a couple of days to think about this. To process this.” She was pulling her coat on. “I am not breaking up with you but I need time alone. I am just going to leave now but I will be back, don’t worry,” She says before leaning down to kiss Harry’s cheek before walking out of the restaurant. 

Harry was at a loss for words. She handled that so differently than he ever expected. She was clearly concerned about Harry. She even let him know this wasn’t the end. Maybe it should be the end. She truly deserves better than him. 


	2. Chapter 2

It was a cold Thursday in late February. The Sidemen were once again filming a video for their second channel. This time the group was filming at JJ and Simon’s flat. Harry was excited for the video because it will give him a chance to talk to Simon. It has almost been a week since their time in the bathroom. He and Simon still really need to have a chat cause he was pretty sure Simon misinterpreted what happened that night. 

It was after the video when Harry heard Ethan ask JJ if he wanted to go to the gym and for a run. He knew they would be gone for more than two hours, giving him plenty of time to talk to Simon alone. It was after JJ and Ethan left that Tobi and Josh asked Simon if he wanted to go eat. Harry felt relieved when Simon declined saying he needed to upload his and Randolph’s podcast clips instead. Simon then retreated to his office. 

“Do you want to come eat Bog?” Josh asked. 

“No, I have to talk to Simon,” he replied. Josh nodded before leaving with Kon, Vik and Tobi. Harry waited a few minutes, taking the time to collect himself and think about what he needed to say. 

Walking up to the closed office door, Harry knocks. He pushes the door open when he hears Simon give the okay. Simon is sitting in his chair, when Harry enters. His eyes were irritated and tired, the iris that always reminded Harry of a soft, comfortable, fluffy grey blanket looked torn, and confused. 

“Simon, I think we aren’t finished talking.” 

“Geez Bog, you surprised me,” Simon says, standing to meet Harry at the door. Harry’s mind briefly flashed back to last time Simon pushed him against a door. “Did everyone leave?” Simon asks. Harry nods confirming that they are alone. 

“We need to talk,” Harry repeats. “What was that text?” 

“I shouldn’t have kissed you. I know you only wanted to be friends again. I didn’t mean to start things again. I shouldn’t have forced you.” Simon’s ash grey eyes remained on the floor. 

“I wanted it too!” Harry tries to remind Simon. He grabbed Simon’s shoulders, trying to get the taller boy to look at him. 

“You were drunk.” 

“I still wanted it!” Harry grabbed Simon’s cheek. “I wanted you!” 

Simon looked down to Harry, who is a bit shorter. His aluminum grey eyes searching the Guernsey boy’s. He seemed afraid of something. He looked unsure of what he should say next. That was okay to Harry, as long as he could get Simon to look at him forever. 

“I wanted it too,” Simon admits. “I wanted you more than anything.” 

Harry couldn’t help but smile. Simon just admitted to needing him more than anyone, more than Talia. Simon realized what he said causing his cheeks to turn rosey pink. The look only made Harry more excited. Harry knew what he wanted right that moment. 

“Then take it,” Harry dared the older boy, his voice dropping deeper. Simon gave him a hooded look. Simon’s hand went to Harry’s sharp jaw. Then they were kissing frantically. Harry felt Simon pushing. And like Deja vu, Harry ended up sandwiched between a door and Simon. 

After a moment of each other exploring the other’s mouth, Simon reached down and gripped the Guernsey boys’ ass. He was lifting Harry, who responded by wrapping his legs around the taller’s waist. They were moving as Harry was left marks all over Simon’s jaw. 

Once they made it to Simon’s bed, Harry was thrown on top. Simon stepped back and Harry panicked. He was already missing the warmth. Simon pulled his shirt off before latching his lips back on Harry’s. 

Simon made a soft sound in his throat as their lips met, and Harry buried his hand in the taller’s hair. His mouth was hot and demanding, and Harry pulled him down, making a sound low in his throat. Simon’s hand tightened over his jaw and tilted Harry’s head back against the bed to deepen the kiss. Harry was moaning and digging his fingers into Simon’s scalp. 

Harry was violently thrown back into their younger years where they did this nearly weekly. He had felt guilty back then but he didn’t now and couldn’t remember why he had been before. He wanted Simon’s body pressed against him. He could still remember the way that had felt and the sounds he had made even years later. Harry shifted his hands from Simon’s hair, he slid them around his back and tried to pull him closer. A shudder seemed to run through the twenty-seven year old. 

There was fire in Harry’s veins and his head was warm and fuzzy and he just wanted Simon’s mouth. He surged back up to Simon. Instead Simon turned his head away, so Harry kissed and nipped at his neck instead, knowing all the right spots. Simon whimpered and slid a hand through Harry’s hair, pulling. The pinpricks of pain along his scalp were jarring making his head spin. He moaned and bit Simon’s neck. 

Simon pushed him down, but brought their mouths together again, hot and desperate. Simon fumbled between them trying to tear off the Guernsey boy’s shirt. Harry sat up and pulled it off properly before tossing it aside. He laid back down and started to kiss Simon again. Simon’s skin was hot and smooth under Harry’s hands as he reached around and dragged his nails down his back. Simon let out a low moan that sent heat pulsing into Harry’s groin, and pulled back again. Harry groaned in frustration, but Simon grabbed his jaw and turned his head to the side. Then his mouth was hot and wet against Harry’s neck and he forgot to be annoyed. He tried to pull Simon closer to him, so he was pressed against him, rather than leaning over him, but Simon resisted. 

“I need you closer,” Harry growled. 

Simon made a strangled sound and then he pressed his body down and kissed Harry rough and deep. Harry made a pleased sound and arced into him. Simon’s chest was warm and soft against his own. 

Simon’s thigh was pressing against Harry’s and he rolled his hips into it. Simon pulled back and then he was kissing and biting his way down Harry’s jaw. He found that spot just under it that Harry loved and sucked at it. Harry tilted his head, baring his neck to give him more access, and slid a hand into Simon’s hair. It was so soft and smooth it almost felt like liquid against his skin and he tugged on it, twisting it around his fingers. 

“Please, tell me you want this,” Simon breathed against his neck as he rocked his hips against him. 

“I want this,” Harry moaned. He lifted the leg Simon wasn’t straddling, and hooked it over Simon’s hip, pushing him down harder and thrusting up to meet him. Simon was hot and hard, and rocking against his hip and the feel of him was driving Harry mad. 

Harry gripped Simon’s hair tight and pulled his head back. Simon gave him a heated look and Harry felt fire race through him at the sight. Simon braced himself on one hand and swept his gaze over Harry. Slowly, he traced a line from his jaw and down his neck to the center of his chest. It was so soft and gentle that it almost tickled, and Harry shivered. 

Smiling, Simon circled one of Harry’s nipples, flicking it every so often before circling it again. He maintained eye contact. It made everything seem suddenly so intense and so intimate. 

Hair tickled over his neck as Simon leaned down and dragged his lips across Harry’s collarbone. He lifted his hips away from Harry’s, causing him to whimper at the loss and turn to look at him. Simon tugged at his bottom lip with his teeth, then pinched his nipple. Harry sighed and arced into it, glad for a familiar sensation. Then Simon’s hand was sliding south, scratching over his stomach. Harry felt anticipation curl low in his gut and he used his grip on Simon’s hair to pull him back down into a desperate, messy kiss. Kissing Simon was better than he ever could have imagined with Katie. 

Simon’s hand pressed against him through his trousers and Harry pulled his head back, arcing his upper body as heat raced through him. Simon sucked and bit at his neck, alternating gentle and rough. Harry moaned and rocked into his hand. Why had they ever stopped doing this if this was how good it felt? Fire raced through him and his world narrowed down to Simon’s mouth, hot and wet at his throat and that hand pressing and rubbing against him. 

Then Simon’s mouth was moving, and he kissed and sucked a path down to one of his nipples before taking it between his teeth and tugging gently. Harry released a deep groan and looked down at him. Simon looked up as if he felt his eyes and gave him a lazy smirk before leaning in and doing it again, harder. Harry let his head fall back and closed his eyes again. 

Suddenly, Simon moved away and Harry let out a weak keening sound and looked up to see Simon kneeling back, looking at him. His eyes were like liquid grey steel as he swept his gaze over Harry. When he noticed Harry watching him, he reached out and pinched Harry’s chest, causing him to shudder. Harry’s breath hitched as Simon’s hand rested over Harry’s waistline. He gave Harry a complicated look, and then he was pulling Harry’s pants down. Harry’s brain went blank for a moment and fire burned through him. 

Before he knew what had happened, Simon had his trousers off and was kneeling between his legs, palming him through his underwear. He was still staring Harry down and it made him shiver again. He dropped his head back. There was something about Simon’s gaze that sent a quiver through his belly. Harry liked the hand on him and he closed his eyes. He rocked up into Simon’s hand, making low sounds in his throat. Simon leaned forward and mouthed at his collarbone and Harry made a breathy sound and leaned his head away to expose more of his neck. Simon made a pleased sound and nipped at him, scraping his teeth over his skin. 

Harry was lost in the sensation of Simon’s hand and mouth, when his hand moved away suddenly. He made a frustrated sound, and opened his eyes to see Simon staring down at him again with that intense look in his eyes. A thumb rubbed along the skin just above the waistband of his underwear, like a request, and Harry lifted his hips. 

Simon stared at him a moment longer before he was removing his underwear too. Suddenly, Harry was completely naked and exposed but noticing Simon was still wearing his pants he just looked at Simon and the words were tumbling out. 

“Take off your pants,” he said. The words came out surprisingly strong, like an order, and Simon visibly shivered. He did as he was told. 

Simon was shuffling forward, then his body was pressed tight against Harry. Warm, smooth skin was touching him everywhere and Harry inhaled sharply and moaned into Simon’s mouth as it met his. He could feel Simon, hot and hard and pressing against him, and rocked his hips up, chasing the sensation. 

For a time, they rutted slowly against each other, Simon gasping into Harry’s mouth and Harry moaning low in his throat. He felt like he was on fire everywhere, inside and out. Harry felt amazing. Simon started mouthing and biting at his neck again and Harry hiked a leg over his hips and pulled him down harder against him. Simon bit down on his neck and groaned. Harry released a breathy chuckle and did it again, thrusting up hard to meet every roll of Simon’s hips. 

Simon pulled away from his neck and hovered over his face, giving him another intense look. “Can I suck you?” he asked. Harry’s hips stilled for a moment while his mind struggled to comprehend what he had said. His eyes darted to Simon’s mouth and he could feel himself twitch against Simon’s stomach at the thought. He remembered how good Simon’s mouth felt. 

“Yes,” he breathed. Simon fixed him with another intense gaze. Simon started to kiss down his chest, scraping his teeth against his skin. Harry shifted restlessly. Simon nipped at Harry’s hip bone and then his breath, hot and moist was fanning over him and Harry stopped breathing for a moment in anticipation. He looked down and caught Simon’s stunning grey eyes. They were like liquid steel again, smouldering with heat. 

Harry groaned deep and loud as he was suddenly engulfed in wet heat and he let his head fall back with a thud. That felt even better than he’d remembered. Then, Simon got to work. The suction, the pressure, the heat, that thing he did with his tongue; it wasn’t long before 

Harry was a shuddering wreck. His thighs were trembling and his back was arcing off the floor. Eyes tightly shut he heard himself moaning on every exhale, but couldn’t bring himself to care. 

He could feel himself slipping closer, and somehow through his haze, knew he should warn Simon. He reached down blindly, still shuddering and moaning, and found Simon’s hair. Tugging it, he made an incomprehensible sound. Simon responded by humming and suddenly taking him even deeper, right into his throat and swallowing around him. For a moment, Harry stopped breathing and then he was coming, hand twitching in Simon’s hair and hips jerking against Simon’s hands where they held him down. Simon pulled his head back a bit and swirled his tongue around him and Harry whimpered from the sensation; it was almost too much. 

Still shuddering, he looked up as Simon released him. The older one sat back and looked at him, lips stained red, eyes dark and intense. Harry felt a surge of heat at the sight. 

“You alright?” Simon asked, sweeping his eyes over him. Harry propped himself up on his elbows, not even caring that he was naked and on display. He felt so warm and relaxed. He nodded and grinned lazily. Simon smirked. Harry swept his eyes over him again. 

“You’re so damn hot, Harry, you have no idea what you do to me,” Simon said breathlessly, reaching down and grasping himself. 

Wanting to help Simon, Harry pulled himself upright, he crawled over and pulled Simon’s hand away. The tall boy gave him a confused look. Something about it sent fire racing through Harry again, and before he thought about it he was leaning forward and kissing him. As he deepened the kiss he reached down and took Simon in his hand. Shivering, he realized he could taste himself on Simon’s tongue. Something he hasn’t done in years. He loved it. He missed it. 

Simon made a surprised sound and buried his hands in Harry’s hair. He scratched over his scalp and Harry made a pleased sound. Simon seemed to know just what he liked. The dirty blond shuddered against him and Harry kissed and nipped down his jaw to latch onto his neck. Simon moaned and tilted his head back to give him more access. As always, the gesture sent heat racing through Harry. He bit down gently and rolled the skin between his teeth. Simon shuddered and thrust into Harry’s hand. 

Resting his forehead in Simon’s neck for a moment, Harry looked down and watched Simon thrusting into his hand. The sight made his groin throb with heat. Simon made a whimpering sound. Harry grinned then scraped his teeth over Simon’s nipple and tightened his grip on his dick, and the sound turned into a moan. The sound reverberated through Harry, sending another wave of heat through him. He loved the sounds Simon made. 

“Fuck, you’re getting hard again,” Simon murmured. Harry glanced up to see him looking down with wide eyes. Following his gaze, he was surprised to see he was in fact starting to stir again. 

“I’ve missed this,” Simon said, sounding breathless. 

“I miss this too and I need-” Simon cuts him off by pulling on his hair until he is leveled with him, and kisses him. It was messy and frantic and their teeth clacked together, but Harry moaned into it. Simon pushed against him, and Harry pushed right back until they toppled over backwards. Simon looked up at him with heated eyes and Harry leaned forward to kiss him, only Simon turned his head and bared his neck instead. Groaning, Harry leaned down to torment it again. Settling between Simon’s legs, he rolled his hips down. 

Simon groaned and rocked back against him, wrapping his legs around him. The feeling sent a shudder through Harry and he brought their lips together again, frantically. Simon rocked up against him and moaned into his mouth. The way Simon had his legs and arms wrapped around him should have alarmed him but it pressed them together so much tighter. 

Simon suddenly scratched down his back, not hard at all, but light. The feeling sent a shudder through him and he pulled back to stare down at him. The taller boy was looking dazed and overwhelmed. His beautiful grey pupils were blown wide and his skin was flushed. He looked up at Harry with that same intense expression. 

“I miss this,” Harry murmured. “I like this, I want this, I want you. I need you, I need this.” Over and over he repeated the words and they moved against each other, and Simon whimpered a sobbing, broken sound, and arced under him. Harry felt him pulse, hot and wet, between them and groaned. He wasn’t close enough yet. Simon looked up at him with half lidded eyes and reached between them. Harry’s breath hitched when Simon gripped him tight. Leaning forward, he buried his face in Simon’s neck and thrust into his hand. 

When Harry finally came, Simon sighed against his neck and Harry shuddered and pressed tighter against him. They stayed like that for at least twenty minutes. Neither wanting to move. Both stayed silent, for they didn’t need words. Suddenly Harry’s phone started to ring from the living room. He knew it was Katie. 

* * *

When Harry returned to the house he wasn’t surprised to find Katie already there and waiting patiently on his bed. Harry was kind of excited to talk to her. He feels that he has some clarity for the first time in years. He knows now that what he has with Simon is the kind of sex he wants. He can’t keep dragging Katie along when he doesn’t even want to fuck her anymore. 

“Where were you?” she asks as soon as Harry enters the room. Harry was hoping for a shower first. 

“Sidemen filming.” It was the truth technically. But Katie gave him a look as if she didn’t believe him. Was it his hair? Harry knew he had a bedhead. But that didn’t necessary means he just had sex. The intensity of her looking him up and down suddenly made Harry nervous. He went to rub his neck, his fingers rubbing over some bumps. Harry started to panic. Simon had littered hickeys all over Harry’s neck. They were proby turning purple now and would be noticeable. Pulling his hoodie neck nervously, Harry prayed she wouldn’t notice the bruises. 

“I thought about it Harry,” she sighs. 

“I thought about it too.” Not really. He only just realized what he has been missing in the last three years. “But you can go first.” 

“I think we got too comfortable.” She was looking down on the sheets of the bed. The sheets she bought Harry years ago. The sheets she spent the majority of her nights tangled in. “We’ve been together since we were kids.” They have known each other since they were ten. “And haven’t had the chance to explore other people.” 

She stayed silent for a moment. It must’ve been Harry’s turn to talk. 

“I am over doing what I think everyone else wants, like my mom, rather than what is right. You deserve to be with someone who can be with you 100%. I don’t think that can be me anymore,” Harry admits. He can feel the tears form in the corner of his eyes. He might be breaking up with Katie, but he does love her. They’ve spent years of their lives together. A lot of happy moments. 

“You deserve someone great too.” Harry knows how sweet Katie can be, but he knows she wouldn’t be saying that if she knew how many times Harry has cheated. 

“I will always love you,” Harry admits. He knows it’s the truth. When he first moved to London without finishing school, she had been his rock. Not the Sidemen, not the Cals, and not his family who didn’t approve. She had been there for him and once she graduated she followed him. He never did tell her how much he appreciated it. 

“But I don’t think we were made for each other,” Harry adds. His vision becomes blurry and he is suddenly aware of how dry his mouth is. He can hear Katie shaking and the silent crying. His forehead throbs. He has been avoiding telling her for years because he never wanted to hurt her. In fact it was one of his biggest fears. Harry moves to the sit across from her on the bed. He grabs her hand and squeezes it. Tears shriek down both faces but neither know what to do, so they sit in silence. 

“I love you too,” Katie says eventually, realizing that she never returned the sentiment. “I think I am going to go for now. We need to make sure we talk about this some more later” She had pulled her hand from Harry’s. She uses her thumb to wipe the tears from Harry’s red cheeks. “I don’t want to lose you.” 

“I don’t want to lose you either,” he returns, promising to talk again. She leaves. 

It was a minute later when Harry heard footsteps outside his door. Then came a soft knock. Harry wasn’t really in the mood to talk. He knew it was one of the Cals but he didn’t feel like explaining himself. Without waiting for a reply Harry’s bedroom door creaked open. 

“Are you okay Bog?” Freezy asks softly. He stands in the doorway unsure of what Harry will say. 

“Yeah,” Harry said, voice cracking. “But we just broke up.” 

Cal took that as a signal for him to enter the room. Closing the door behind himself, he made his way to Harry’s bed. Where Harry hasn’t moved since Katie left. 

“Oh Harold, I am sorry.” He sat down next to the younger boy. “Six years is a long time to be someone. I am here if you need anything.” 

Harry doesn’t even answer. Instead he makes a choking sound and buries his head into Cal’s lap. Harry realized that the way he was laying would make the bruises on his neck clearly visible, but he could care less if Cal noticed or not. If Cal noticed, he didn’t say anything rather he focused more on the shaking boy. Harry knows that breaking up was the best option. He should’ve done it sooner, once he realized all he craved was Simon. 

The Guernsey boy was happy with their decision to end the relationship but it still hurt. She might’ve not been the one but her no longer being in his life as much, will leave a hole. He wasn’t lying when he said he loved her. She will always be his first love and so many of his other firsts. She had been his future, his family. 

Cal just held the younger boy till he seemed to calm down. Freezy was never the best at comforting, so he decided to keep quiet. He rubbed smoothing circles into the Guernsey boy’s back. Eventually Harry sat up and rubbed his eyes. He was no longer crying but a frown remained so Cal decided to try lighting the mood. 

“Now you can try your luck with other ladies.” Harry remained quiet for a moment before snorting. The corners of his mouth turned upwards. 

Harry couldn’t help but smile cause he wasn’t picturing himself with girls, but rather a tall boy named Simon. He had only been with Simon an hour earlier but it already feels so long ago. 

Harry missed his touch. When Katie called Harry ran to the living room, throwing on clothes as he ran. He answered the phone on the last ring, out of breath. When she asked to meet at his house, Harry agreed. Harry turned back around and was immediately met with a bare naked Simon. Looking the older over, Harry really did not want to leave. But before temptation took over Harry kissed Simon’s cheek. He left right after in a rush. Harry really didn’t want to leave but now after the break up, he can have more time with the older boy. He was free to fuck Simon without feeling guilty. He was very excited to see Simon tomrrow. 

* * *

Today was another easy filming day. The boys were filming another Reddit video. And when they were dividing into groups, Harry was a little too excited to be with Simon. For the video Harry, Simon and Vik were in the older’s office reacting to the fans. They even spent an awfully long time talking about their feet. Defiantly not the most sexist body part of Simon’s but Harry didn’t mind. 

The Sidemen filming wrapped up around three. Everyone hung out in the living room discussing ideas for future videos after. Harry was just hoping everyone would leave soon. Simon must’ve been thinking the same cause Harry could feel the taller boy’s enticing grey eyes on him. Most of the talk was about a major shoot they have next week, that required quite a bit of guest. 

“Hey Harry, are you guys still planning to have a party tomrrow night?” JJ asked once the group finished discussing the next video. Harry honestly forgot that the Cals were planning another party. 

“Yeah.” 

“Would it be okay, if my girl and I came?” JJ asked. It has been a while since the famous KSI showed up to a Lewis-McGinley-Airey party. 

“Of course!” Harry exclaimed. 

“Everybody should come! Vik? Josh?” Harry didn’t bother asking Tobi cause he knows he will decline anyway. Harry also knew Ethan was already going to be there. Harry’s eyes turned to the boy he couldn’t stop thinking about, “Simon?” 

Everybody Harry asked agreed but Harry was still watching Simon for his answer. His heart beating. It wasn’t looking like he would have alone time with the older boy today, JJ and Simon had plans for dinner later, but they could be alone tomrrow if Simon came to his party. No one would notice if they sneaked away when the house was full of so many people. Eventually Simon met his glaze and gave him a nod accepting the invitation. 

Although he was a little upset he didn’t get a chance to talk to Simon about his break up, he figured it can wait till the next day. Harry wanted to tell Simon before the other Sidemen. He felt it was important to tell Simon first for some reason. It will just have to wait till tomrrow. 

* * *

Parties at the Lewis-McGinley-Airey household were never short of alcohol. Harry had been excited for the party all day. The boys pretty much pregaming all day. By midnight their house was a sea of faces. There were so many people that you could barely moved. Many of the faces Harry didn’t really recognize. 

It was pretty noticeable when KSI and his girlfriend entered. People started calling out for JJ, wanting to suck up to what they believe was a king. Those who really knew JJ didn’t really pay attention, instead they waited for him and his girlfriend to find their way to the group hanging out on the balcony. Harry didn’t notice Simon until he pushed his way past JJ heading towards them. Harry was praying Simon was coming to get him, so they could just leave right away and be alone. 

“Hey Si,” Harry greeted. The taller boy smiled, as he returned the greeting. Taking a seat across from Harry. 

“Hey Talia, Freya is inside if you are looking for her” Josh says from somewhere behind Harry. Panic filled the Guernsey boy’s body. He was not expecting Simon to come with her. Harry couldn’t help but feel angry. 

“That’s okay. I will find her later,” Talia tells Josh, as she takes a seat in Simon’s lap. Simon looked up at his girlfriend with that adoring smile that Harry loved so much. Harry felt jealous. A jealousy like a dragon, about ready to breathe burning fire. 

The group continued to drink for an hour. Harry drinking a larger quantity than most of the others. He felt crushed. Simon and his girlfriend had never been very touchy but they were being over the top that night. Harry was about ready to bite anybody head off if they tried talking to him. He couldn’t stop staring at the happy couple. 

Is this how Simon felt when he had been with Katie and they were secretly fucking? This was torture. Harry’s body craved the other and to see Simon’s hands on another made him so angry. To see Simon whispering stuff in Talia ears made Harry see red. The more drunk he got, the more he was obviously glaring at the other women. Simon would notice eventually. Although Simon’s attention was mostly on his girlfriend, he would send Harry concerned looks every once in a while. Harry was not hiding his anger well. 

“You should go look for Freya,” Simon tells Talia. She agrees and kisses her boyfriend’s jaw before going inside. Harry felt sick. 

“I am going to the bathroom,” Simon announces. He is looking right at Harry, his angelic grey eyes trying to send a different message. Harry is drunk, so he isn’t sure what the look means but he follows Simon, giving some excuse about needing water. 

Harry follows Simon to the top floor. To Harry’s bedroom. Thankfully the bedroom is empty when they enter. Excitement rushes from head to toe as he watches Simon lock the door. His mood doing a complete one-eighty. There was such much Harry wanted to tell the other but there was something else he wanted at the moment. Something else he needed. 

Closing the distance between the two, Harry stands on his tippy toes to kiss the other boy. He hands wrapping around the taller boy’s waist. Simon met him halfway. The older opened to him and deepened the kiss immediately, pushing Harry back. It was so jarringly familiar that Harry’s mind turned to the last time they’d kissed. Simon had been moaning into his mouth as they rutted against each other. Heat raced through Harry at the reminder, as Simon kissed him deeply and forcefully. It was nothing like kissing Katie. 

Suddenly Simon took a step back. Harry tried to follow his mouth but Simon had gone too far. A whine sound left Harry’s throat. Unsure what was going on, Harry opened his eyes. Simon was standing on the other side of the room. He looked panicked. 

“I am sorry but we can’t,” Simon says. After a moment he adds, “Not tonight.” 

“Please” leaves Harry’s lips, unintentionally. Great now he was begging. Simon sent him a look of want. His dusty grey eyes flashing with hunger. His tongue wetting his upper lip. 

“Harry you are drunk.” The look was gone and replaced with one of worry. 

“Is it because of Talia?” Harry asks, ignoring Simon’s previous statement. “Or do you regret Thursday?” Harry has been wondering this since it had happened. 

“Harry I will never regret Thursday.” Simon was inching back towards the younger boy but he still kept a distance. 

“So it is Talia? You are picking her over me again” Harry shots back. He felt the little green monster called envy in him again. The look of hurt that crossed Simon’s face was not missed and neither was the look of anger. 

“When have I ever picked her over you?” Simon shots back, his voice rising in volume. 

“Ibiza!” 

“We ended everything by then!” Simon yells. Simon knows exactly what moment Harry is referring to. It was a low moment for both of them. They ended their friends with benefits agreement in March, the trip to Ibiza was in October. 

“I needed you!” Harry had begged Simon that night to fuck him. He was crying and hitting Simon, due to the mixture of drugs and his anger. Simon refused and tried to calm the younger boy down repeatedly. It only made Harry angry. He was so mad he couldn’t have the one thing he wanted. He wanted Simon. He missed their fucking so much, that he was in so much pain. He was beyond mad that Simon kept reminding him that he was dating Talia and that they were done. Harry doesn’t remember much after that. 

“Harry we couldn’t that night” Simon was playing with the neck of his shirt. He was clearly uncomfortable. “You were beyond drunk and you were tripping on something. You were obviously very valuable and don’t remember much from that night.” 

“What do you mean?” Harry wasn’t sure what Simon was referring to. He had been angry and horny but was there more? 

“You kept telling me how much of a slut I was” Simon looked like he was going to cry. “You kept saying that I forced you to do stuff when we were younger.” 

Harry was shocked. He didn’t remember saying that but his memory of that night was blurry. Harry was high as hell that night but that wasn’t even his lowest low. 

“I didn’t mean that. I was fucked up. I was just saying shit cause I was mad at you. I don’t believe any of those words,” Harry rushes to say. He can see Simon had more to add and he wanted to make sure he apologized. He added, “That wasn’t me. It was only a few months later when I overdosed.” 

“I was scared,” Simon says softly before continuing, “And you kept saying how much I was nothing to you. Nothing but a warm mouth. I know you didn’t mean it but it still hurt.” 

Harry remembers how Simon hadn’t talked to him for weeks after. Harry just assumed it was because he came on too strong. Harry felt like throwing up. The alcohol and bile rising in his throat. Simon avoiding Harry completely had led the younger boy in a spiral towards addiction. 

“I am sorry Si,” Harry whispers. “I hate who I was back then.” 

“It’s okay.” 

No it isn’t, Harry thought. Simon was once again lying about his feelings. Downplaying his pain in order to not hurt Harry. 

“Am I just a warm mouth to you?” Simon asks to Harry’s shock. 

“No of course not!” Harry says walking up to Simon, so that he stood arm length away from the older boy. Harry felt brave as he added, “I need you like I need the oxygen I breathe.” 

It was a cheesy line but Harry truly felt that way. He never stopped thinking about Simon Minter. Surging forward Harry shoved his mouth onto Simon’s. Neither held back as they deepened the kiss. Harry slid a hand into Simon’s hair and kissed him roughly, biting and sucking his lips. 

Simon made a strangled sound as Harry’s nails scratched over the back of his scalp. Harry hummed and Simon stiffened and then pressed back against him. He slid a hand into Harry’s hair and pulled hard, tearing their mouths apart and latching onto that spot just under Harry’s jaw that made his knees shake. 

Closing his eyes, he couldn’t help but turn his head to expose the spot better. Simon chuckled and scraped his teeth over it. Harry made a soft sound low in his throat. For a moment, he couldn’t think straight, then Simon was breathing over his ear, as if he was going to say something. Suddenly the warmth of Simon’s breath was gone and his fingers no longer in Harry’s hair. Simon had stepped away again. 

“I can’t,” Simon whispered. It sounded like he was trying to convince himself rather than telling Harry. 

“Why not?” Harry asks. The anger was bubbling up again. By now Harry’s body craved the taller boy’s touch so much that he was shaking. 

“I can’t do this to Talia” 

Harry wanted to punch a wall. Simon was really choosing Talia over him again. Why did it matter? He had cummed due to Harry only a couple of days ago. Talia wasn’t even on Simon’s mind back then. 

“You already cheated on her!” Harry reminds him. In a last ditch effort Harry adds, “Please come back. I need you.” 

“No Harry, I can’t do this to her.” 

“For fuck’s sakes Simon! You are choosing her over me again!” Harry was very mad. 

“I am sorry that I am not willing to cheat on my girlfriend like you!” Simon fires back. Simon can get very angry too. He was more hot headed than Harry usually. 

“Fuck you!” Harry was beyond mad. How dare Simon throw that in his face! Simon is aware of how horrible Harry feels about cheating on Katie for almost three years. He did not need to stoop that low. 

Simon took that as his cue to leave. Slamming the bedroom door shut behind him. In all that happened Harry never got a chance to tell Simon his news. He didn’t get to tell him about the break up. Simon’s hard and red angry face stuck to Harry’s mind. Suddenly felt his cock twitch. He couldn’t believe he was so turned on by the other. But Simon is hot when he is mad, Harry always knew that. Harry took his dick out and started to relieve himself. He missed Simon’s hand doing it. The loss only made Harry more angry. 

* * *

When Harry returned to the group fifthteen minutes later it was clear that everyone was winding down. Half the group already left. And Lux looked to be asleep on Ethan’s shoulder. Simon was sitting in the same seat as before, thankfully Talia was only sitting beside him this time. Simon’s hypnotic grey eyes watching his every move. He seemed no longer angry but rather concerned. Harry gave him the cold shoulder. Conversation continued. Harry remained silent. Instead he just focussed on the weed Freezy passed him. 

“Harry where is Katie?” Talia asks, breaking Harry’s train of thought. Harry didn’t want to answer that. Simon was looking at him expectly. Harry felt the taller boy didn’t deserve to know. So instead Harry watched the ground. Next to him Freezy starts to talk. 

“Katie and Harry broke up Thursday,” Cal informs the group. Someone gets up and hugs Harry. He doesn’t know who caused he keeped his eyes on the ground. Others offer him their apologies. Harry can feel Simon’s magnetic storm grey eyes on him. It causes him to shiver. Finally looking up Harry meets Simon’s glaze. His eyes daring the other to say something. Instead Simon looks apologetic. Harry hates it. It’s time for bed, Harry decided. He needed to call it a night before he does something stupid, like snorting ket. 

* * *

The next Sidemen filming took place in a rented studio. The idea was their take on a show called Dragon’s Den. Harry had heard some of the Cals’ script the night before the shoot. Harry was feeling relaxed since honestly it was an easy shoot for the Sidemen. They weren’t required to be their funniest. Which was okay with Harry. Ever since last Saturday, Harry has felt off. Harry left the house before the Cals. When he got to the filming location Simon, JJ and Josh were already there. Harry knew that Simon wanted to talk to him. The older boy was eyeing him constantly, trying to read Harry’s neutral face. 

Once filming started it was easy to relax. Harry didn’t have to sit next to Simon. But it was pretty easy to get along with Simon during the filming. Both could put their feelings aside to put on a good video. Harry was better than Simon at this, considering once the cameras were off Harry returned to ignoring the other. When filming they got along with nothing but a little awkwardness. They even went in on a deal together, shaking hands in the end. Harry felt the spark run up his arm when his hand met Simon’s. 

It was after when a large group of those at the shoot went out for dinner and for drinks. Returning to the bar they visited a couple of weeks ago. The bar was overwhelmingly busy since it was a Friday, but the group didn’t stay there long before moving onto a club. Shortly after arriving at the club other friends of the group arrived. Harry wasn’t prepared to go to the club but he followed the others nonetheless. Simon also went and he seemed to be trying hard to stick to Harry’s side without making it obvious. Harry was only slightly annoyed. 

After being at the club for an hour Harry and most of the others were drunk. The boys were slammed. News of Harry’s recent breakup didn’t take long to travel. Now lads like Stephen, Will and the Cals were playing wingmen and trying very hard to find Harry’s new girl. Simon was doing a very bad job hiding his annoyance from his red face. The taller wore a rigid expression all night. Although Harry wasn’t interested in getting with a girl or anyone that wasn’t Simon, he was playing along just in spite of the other. 

“There is a girl over there watching you Bog,” Freezy says. The group of ten had dwindled down to only six who were now standing around a table. They were mostly just joking around and discussing very loudly about their sex lives. 

“Hm” was all Harry said. Harry didn’t want them to know just how disinterested he was and he wanted to keep Simon on edge. You could practically see the steam coming out of the older’s ears. In all honesty Harry loved it when Simon gets angry. He finds it hot. 

“I am going to talk to her for you,” Will announced, slapping Harry on the back before walking towards the bar. Harry didn’t stop him. Out of the corner of his eye Harry could see Simon’s clenched jaw. For a second Harry couldn’t stop himself from imagining what it would be like if he just reached over and kissed Simon’s jaw right then at that moment. 

“Where is Talia?” Lux asked out loud. Anger clouded Harry’s mind, remembering suddenly the reason why he was mad with Simon. It was quite really raining on his parade. 

“She went out with her friends,” Simon replied, his eyes never leaving the Guernsey boy. Harry refused to be caught looking back. 

“Harry!” a voice yelled behind him. Turning he found it to be Will with a very tipsy girl next to him. “Harry this is Ashya!” 

“Hi Harry,” the girl waved “Will you dance with me?” 

Harry really didn’t want to. In fact he wasn’t a fan of dancing unless he was really drunk. Harry could feel Simon’s ash grey eyes burning a hole into the side of his head. Deciding to challenge the other, Harry looked up to Simon’s gorgeous eyes. Giving the taller boy a coy smile, Harry tipped the rest of his drink back before agreeing to the dance. 

The girl named Ashya led Harry to the other side of the dance floor. Harry was thankful for that. He might’ve wanted Simon to watch but not the rest of the group. The girl wrapped her arms around his neck. Awkwardly Harry placed his hands on her small hips. She started to press her chest into Harry’s. Her thigh rubbing against his groin. She danced completely off beat. 

Harry did not want to be there. He did not want to dance with her. She made him feel uncomfortable and he wasn’t getting hard, no matter how much Ashya tried. Luckily he only had to dance with her for a minute or two before he was pulled away. The moment his hand touched Harry’s skin, he knew who it was instantly. Sparks flew under his skin. 

Simon gripped Harry’s hand tightly, as if he was going to lose him any moment. Harry was so shocked by the other’s force, he allowed himself to be pulled through the horde of people. Simon weaved through the crowd with determination before leading the other out the back door of the club. They ended up in a poorly lit alleyway. Simon dropped Harry’s hand. Harry missed the warmth instantaneously, the cold and wet air causing him to shiver. 

There was a pregnant pause as Harry waited for Simon to say something. Simon looked a little dazed before licking his lips. Then Simon stepped closer. Before he knew what was happening, Harry suddenly found himself slammed into the wall, his wrists pinned by his head. Startled, he didn’t move. 

“Did you want her?” Simon asked, pressing against him. “Did you want to get in her pants or would you rather have me?” 

Arousal burned through Harry as he tested Simon’s grip and found himself strongly pinned. He waited for the initial anger he had thought he felt at Simon, but it never came. Instead, there was only excitement. 

“Jealous much?” he asked. “Are you sure I even want you anymore?” 

Simon leaned forward and kissed him, roughly and viciously. Harry’s hands clenched into fists, even though he couldn’t move them. The older bit at his lips and then he was taking his mouth like he owned it. A deep groan sounded in Harry’s throat. Simon pulled back to look at him, a smug expression on his face. 

Then he was nudging Harry’s head to the side with his jaw and kissing his neck, open mouthed and hot. Harry shuddered, waiting for the bite. Simon teased with a scrape of teeth before finally latching on and biting him. He sucked on the tortured skin. Harry scanned the area around them finding nothing but a dumpster. He rather have Simon press him over a bed and shag him then against the cold wall. 

When Simon released his hands to start fumbling with his shirt, still sucking and biting his neck roughly, Harry shoved him back. The older was unable to hide a brief flash of fear. 

“Not here,” Harry said out of breath. “Can we go back to yours?” 

Nodding Simon kissed him roughly on the lips before they left the alley. Running into the street Simon flagged down a taxi. The ride was only ten minutes, but it felt like the longest ten minutes possible to Harry. Harry was so unbelievably aroused. Simon and him refused to do anything in the taxi, so the younger boy rested his head on Simon’s shoulder. The older boy had one hand running through Harry’s hair and the other on his inner thigh. 

Eventually they arrived to JJ and Simon’s flat. Harry has never been more thankful for JJ to be sleeping over at his girlfriend’s place. Once Simon unlocked the door, Harry grabbed his collar, and dragged him into the room, slamming and locking the door behind them. Harry grasped a handful of hair and brought their lips together roughly. 

Simon was sliding a hand over his crotch and pressing. He groaned and thrust against it before he could stop himself. He’d been aching ever since the older had started caressing his inner thigh, and lightly touching him through his trousers in the taxi. 

Simon grinned at him smugly, and started undoing his trousers, sliding down to kneel on the ground. Heat rushed through Harry at the sight, and the way Simon looked back up at him. The older tugged his trousers down and pressed a hot open mouthed kiss to his hip, before biting the skin gently, and sucking. 

Harry slid a hand into Simon’s hair and looked down through half lidded eyes. As Simon started sliding his lips over Harry’s dick. Harry pulled him into another kiss and started shuffling them towards Simon’s bed, both fumbling with their clothes as they moved. When he had Simon lying back, he trailed his eyes over him. He took his lips gently, and softly, keeping it chaste. Ending the kiss, Harry rested their foreheads together. 

“I want you,” Harry said softly, kissing him again. Simon slid his hands over Harry’s back and clutched at him as he returned the kiss. After a few moments, Harry parted their lips and met his eyes. “Can I have you?” 

Simon shivered. “Of course,” he said. 

Harry nodded, and nosed at his jaw before kissing his neck. Simon leaned his head away and sighed. As Harry mouthed and sucked at his collarbone, he rolled one of his nipples between his fingertips. The older one made a weak sound and arched his back. Harry kissed down to flick at the other with his tongue, before sucking gently. Simon made another weak sound, pushing his chest up against Harry’s mouth. 

Harry kept moving down, until he was nuzzling at Simon’s hardening dick. He looked up to see Simon looking at him with a dazed and longing expression. Smiling softly at him, he dragged his lips along his dick and took it into his mouth. Simon made another soft sighing sound and let his head fall back against the bed. 

Harry felt dizzy from the sensation of Simon becoming firmer in his mouth, accompanied by the sounds falling from his lips. Groaning, he couldn’t wait any longer, and moved back up his body. Simon watched him with a relaxed expression until Harry started to stretch himself. He made an annoyed sound and pulled Harry’s hand away. He pulled at Harry’s hips until he shuffled a little further forwards on his knees. 

Harry made a pleased sound as Simon’s fingers slid into him, and pushed down on them. Fairly soon, Harry was moaning and moving his hips as Simon thrust his fingers into him. There was something about fingers that felt different, almost better, as Simon was able to press more directly against his prostate and Harry didn’t really want to stop. But eventually, when he started to feel like he was sliding too close to the edge, he lifted off Simon’s fingers and shuffled back. 

After rubbing a lubrication on Simon, he took him in hand and slowly sank down onto him. Harry bit his lip as he settled on him. He pressed his hands onto Simon’s chest for leverage as he lifted himself up, and then sank back down with a groan. Simon’s hands fell to his hips, and he thrust up the next time Harry sank down. 

They were quiet as they moved together, making only soft moans and gasps. Harry felt like he was burning up, and the way Simon was watching him made him dizzy. He felt like he was on display as he moved, but he found that he liked it. 

Harry shifted, and leaned back to grasp his own dick as he felt himself slipping. Simon made a frustrated sound, and pulled his hand away. He pushed himself up, balancing on one arm, and touched Harry himself. 

Harry groaned and gripped his shoulders, pulling him closer, even though it was awkward and it crushed Simon’s hand between them. He could feel Simon trembling from the effort to stay sitting like that, barely supported. Or maybe it wasn’t that. The older suddenly groaned and shuddered underneath him as he came. 

“Fuck,” he hissed, before suddenly flipping them over. 

Harry barely had time to comprehend what had happened before Simon was sliding his mouth over him and taking him deep. Groaning, he thrust his hips a few times and then came. 

“I missed you,” Simon said before leaving lazy kisses over Harry’s chest. 

“I missed you too,” Harry says. Simon gets up briefly to get something to clean them. He returns with a wet rag. Once both boys were cleaned up, the rag thrown to the side, Harry head slid onto Simon’s left arm, as his right wrapped around the younger boy’s waist. They fell asleep both more relaxed than they have been in weeks. 


	3. Chapter 3

The sun streamed into the room and across Harry’s face. Groaning the boy shoved his face further into the bed sheets. A soft chuckle came behind him, hot breath on his bare neck. Rolling over in Simon’s arms, Harry met his dreamy grey eyes. 

“That was an amazing night,” Simon says, his hand moving in circles on Harry’s back. 

“I know,” Harry smiles, “I can’t believe I went three years without that.” 

Simon’s face dropped a little. The hand on Harry’s back stopped as well. Feeling afraid he said the wrong thing, the younger gave the older a confused look. 

“I wished we never stopped,” Simon admitted. 

“Why did you end it then?” Harry asks without much thought. 

“I felt so guilty.” Simon was now sitting up in bed. His fingers playing with the white sheets. Harry was confused. 

“Why? You weren’t dating Talia when we were doing it.” 

“I felt guilty about you,” Simon admits after a beat. Sitting up Harry put his hand under the other boy’s jaw, pushing it up so his electrifying grey eyes leveled with his. “I felt like I was hurting you Harry.” 

“What?” Harry asked in alarm. What does Simon mean by that? 

“I selfishly couldn’t let you go but I could see the guilt of cheating eating you alive.” Realizing what Simon meant, Harry finally felt he understands why Simon had ended the sex in the first place. It wasn’t because of Talia but rather Harry. 

“I felt guilty but that didn’t mean I wanted it to end,” Harry tells the older boy. 

“You were hurting yourself by self medicating,” Simon’s voice cracked as he continued, “and I know your addiction started because of the pressure of being with Katie, when you knew you shouldn’t have been.” 

“So you decided to end it?” Harry couldn’t help but feel a little anger at Simon for not even talking about it before ending their arrangement. 

“Yeah. I should have ended it once Ethan found out but I couldn’t stop myself” Simon admits before adding, “You were my addiction.” 

“You ended us to stop me from hurting myself?” 

“Yes,” Simon said as his intoxicating grey eyes returned downward. “I hated how pale you were getting, how you never smiled or made your weird jokes. I watched the funniest and most energetic person I know disappear. And it was my fault. I needed you so badly but I had to end it.” 

“You didn’t think to ask me what I wanted?” Harry asks, choking on his words. His vision blurring. “I felt so lost without you, my addiction turned even worse. I felt so lonely.” 

“I am sorry Harry!” A single tear streaked down Simon’s face. His cheeks hollowed. “I didn’t know what to do. I was so afraid of losing you, I decided to leave before I lost you”. Simon took a deep breath before he continued, “I am so sorry. I was so selfish. I should have been there for you rather than avoiding you.” 

“I guess we are both selfish because I was unable to tell Katie the truth when we broke up” Harry used the back of his hand to wipe the tear from his left eye. “I was too selfish and I was too afraid of losing her.” 

“Hey it’s okay,” Simon said as he pulled Harry into a hug. Simon’s chin digging into the top of Harry’s head. “I am sorry about Katie by the way. And everything I said at the party. I should have never thrown that back in your face” Simon pulled back to look Harry in the eye. “I am sorry that I’ve hurt you again.” 

“Clearly I’ve hurt you as well,” Harry tells the older boy. “Simon please know everything I said on the Ibiza trip three years ago was not me. I need you. I want you!” 

“I need you too,” Simon says before pressing their lips together. Harry kissed him back softly, feeling like his chest was about to burst with everything he felt. Simon kissed him back, just as gently and slowly. 

Harry shivered. Simon kissed him languidly as his hand slid down again. He traced patterns over Harry’s chest, before gently teasing one of his nipples. Harry moaned into the kiss and pressed his chest against him. They kissed softly for a time, before Harry’s stomach growled. 

“Pancakes?” Simon asks before he trailed his lips and tongue over Harry’s neck, making Harry shiver again. Seconds later Harry’s stomach made a noise again. 

“I will take that as a yes then” Simon laughs as he pulls aways. Both boys get dressed. Harry wearing one of Simon’s joggers. They proceed to the kitchen to make breakfast. 

Simon spent a good amount of time looking for the pancake mixture. Mumbling to himself about how he knows they have some and about JJ having moved it. Once the box is located Simon asks the younger boy what kind of pancakes he likes. Knowing Simon is a picky eater and doesn’t like blueberries, he suggests banana pancakes. The two work in harmony as Simon cooks the pancakes and Harry starts the tea and toast. Harry smiles as he watches Simon fail to flip a pancake that wasn’t even close to being ready to flip. He could get used to this, he thinks. He wanted this every morning. He wanted Simon but not just in a sex way. This was alarming to Harry. This was a new feeling. He wasn’t sure what was going on but he needed to talk to someone about this, he decided. 

Once the tea was made and the final pancakes were done, the boys settled on the couch in front of the tv, Simon turning on the latest Callux video. The sound of their forks scraping their plates and Lux’s voice were the only noise that filled the apartment that Saturday morning. Eventually JJ returned home. Simon and Harry’s plates had been discarded by then and were sitting very close under a blanket. JJ joined them on the couch with very little greetings. JJ didn’t ask why Harry was there so early in the morning. Simon held his hand under their blanket. His thumb rubbing over Harry’s knuckles. Harry couldn’t have felt more at ease. 

* * *

Once he left Simon’s flat he immediately texted Ethan. He needed to talk to someone right away but Ethan was the only one that knew about Simon and him. He simply told Ethan he needed help with something. Ethan told him to come over whenever. By two in the afternoon, Harry was sitting on the couch in Ethan’s living room. The other boy sitting across him drinking his shake. 

“What’s wrong Bog?” Ethan asks when he sees the anxious look written all over the Guernsey boy’s face. 

“I need your help with something” 

“Does it have to do with Simon?” Ethan questions. Ethan has been noticing the way the two have been looking at each other. It reminds him a lot of the way they looked at each before the fallout. The past two years they always looked at each other with sadness, but now they seemed to stare at each other with hunger. 

“Yes,” Harry admits. 

“Did you break up with Katie because of Simon?” Ethan asks. Harry figured this question was coming. Part of the reason, Harry was nervous to talk to Ethan was because the other always brought Katie up. 

“Yes and no,” Harry tells the other. “We broke up because I craved something she could never provide me.” 

“And you think Simon can?” Ethan shots back. 

“I know he does” Harry feels almost prideful for telling Ethan that. Ethan always seemed to put Simon down, telling Harry he wasn’t forth hurting Katie over. 

“Don’t you want a relationship? You know the ones where people go out on dates?” Ethan asks. He had a point. While Simon could provide Harry with the sex he wanted, he wasn’t sure Simon could provide him with other parts of being in a relationships. 

“Yes that is why I wanted to talk to you. I want to be something more with Simon” 

“Bog, he has a girlfriend,” Ethan warns. Harry’s heart aches at the words. 

“That’s what I was wondering. Should I tell him how I feel? Should I ask him to leave Talia?” Harry really didn’t know what to do. He didn’t really want to ask Simon to leave his girlfriend but Harry can’t ask to share Simon. It would be too much like before with Katie. Talia didn’t deserve it. Plus Harry didn’t want to share Simon with anyone. 

“Is he even gay? Bi?” Ethan asks. Harry’s face changed. He hadn’t even thought about it. Ethan saw this and continued to question Harry, “Have you guys even talked about it?” 

“Well no?” It came out as more of a question than a statement. 

“It sounds like you guys need to talk more,” Ethan pauses before continuing, “that is what a relationship about. It isn’t just about the sex but everything” 

Was Harry just thinking with his dick? They always talk about needing each other but does that mean purely for sex? He knew he wanted to make pancakes with Simon every morning, to cuddle with him, to spend every moment with the other. Even being away from 

Simon now was hard. But their communication skills sucked. Everytime they talk they either get mad at each other or hook up. When they do talk they barely go below the surface. Not going into depth. 

“What do you want with Simon,” Ethan asks.

“I want what we had this morning. Some sex but fun when we are not having sex?”

“How much do you know about his feelings?” Ethan continues with the questions. 

“I don’t know, he tells me he needs me” Simon and Harry are always telling each other how they need the other. Harry thinks back to how Simon ended the agreement before because he didn’t want Harry to keep hurting, even though it hurt himself to leave the Guernsey boy. Harry adds, “I know he really cares about me and would put my feelings before his own.” 

“If you guys were to date, would you be public about it?” Ethan wonders. 

“Honestly I haven’t thought about it” The thought never crossed Harry’s mind. The need to go farther with his relationship with Simon didn’t occur until earlier this morning. He was more worried about Simon’s reaction to his feelings rather than the rest of the world’s options. 

“What is the worst that could happen if you tell him how you feel?” Ethan asked after a couple minutes when both boys lost in their own thoughts. Harry had so many scenarios of telling Simon running through his head, that it was hard to pick which was the worst. 

“Him wanting to stop fucking and he starts to avoid me again,” Harry confesses after some thought. 

“What if you let it continue the way it is now? Won’t it hurt more to fall deeper in love?” 

“Love?” Harry asked in alarm. 

“Come on Bog, you liked him during the first arrangement but I think you want more now cause you are in love with him” 

Did Harry love Simon? He likes Simon’s smile, his laugh, and even his stubbornness. Harry liked how he always put others’ feelings before his own and how he got along with everyone he meets. And he really loves Simon’s serene grey eyes. Harry wants to give Simon the world. He wants to be the one that makes Simon laugh and the one that makes him feel good. Harry determines he might just be in love with the older boy. 

“Wouldn’t it be better to cut it off now before you fall deeper” Ethan asks, interrupting Harry’s moment of realization. 

“You think I should just end it?” Harry inquires, his face turning pale. 

“No I think you should tell him how you feel” Ethan replies, “This way you know where his head is before you go farther. If he does end it then you know and can move on sooner. And almost everything will go back to the way it was a month ago” 

No it won’t, thought Harry. He would be without Katie and Simon then. He would be single and have no one to share a bed with. He would be alone for the first time in his life. 

“But then I will be alone” 

“Harry you haven’t been single or without sex since you were seventeen” Ethan states back before adding, “I don’t think it’s the end of the world. Besides I will always be there for you” 

“So you are saying I should tell him?” Harry wanted to confirm what he thinks the other is telling him. 

“Yes and the sooner the better” 

“Thank you for your help Behz,” Harry tells the boy across him. He is thankful for the way this conversation went. He hasn’t really talked to him about Simon and his fling since a month after Eithan caught them making out. He was scared to ask Ethan for advice, not wanting Ethan to hate him. 

“Of course. Anytime” Ethan says before sighing. Suddenly Ethan looks upset and it has Harry worried. The muscular boy continues, “Also Harry I wanted to tell you I am sorry” 

“What for?” 

“I am sorry for not being supportive of you and Simon” a pause, “I thought there wasn’t any real feeling between you two other than lust. I thought you guys were just being reckless” 

“That was years ago. Plus maybe it is all just lust for Simon. As long as you are supportive of whatever happens to us now, I will be happy” Harry tells the worried boy. 

“It’s not just that. I am sorry for threatening to tell Katie” Ethan voice cracked, “I know I put too much guilt and pressure on you. And I know I made you afraid to come here especially when you really needed my help. I am sorry” 

“I am not mad at you but I don’t think I am ready to forgive you yet” Harry admits. “Everything you were saying and doing was what you believed to be right. You only wanted to 

keep everyone from getting hurt. I am not going to lie and say I still didn’t get hurt though. But I understand you were only looking out for Katie, Simon, the other Sidemen and I” 

Ethan pulls the younger boy into a hug, as he apologizes softly again. Both boys don’t move for a while. Their friendship that never fully healed had made a lot of progress and now more than ever Harry had confidence that they could become best friends again. 

“I think you should go talk to Simon soon!” Ethan says once they pull apart. Harry tells him that he will go over tomrrow. They spent the rest of the day smoking and catching up on the personal parts of each other’s life they missed. Harry really did miss Ethan. 

* * *

Harry spends all morning trying to gather all the courage to go over to Simon’s apartment. All Sidemen share their schedules in order to find times to record. Thus Simon should be free right now and JJ should be at his record label. After talking to Ethan, Harry is no longer confused about his feelings, rather he is nervous of what Simon has to say. It was around one when Harry finally felt confident and got on the underground. Simon has to buzz him in thus once he gets to their door, Simon is already standing there, watching him. 

“We need to talk” Harry announces once he follows Simon into the bedroom. “Is JJ here?” 

“I agree. I need to talk to you as well” Simon says before letting Harry know that JJ won’t be back till later. 

“Can I talk first?” Harry asks, afraid of losing his confidence. Simon nods giving him the go ahead. 

“This past month when we aren’t mad at each other is the best I’ve felt in years. It felt like a piece of me had returned. But Simon,” a look of worry crosses Simon’s face before returning back to impassive “I want to be more. I don’t know how to explain this so I am just going to say it” There is a moment Harry pauses. The second feels like hours to Simon before the younger boy continues, “I am in love with you” 

“How long?” Simon asks much to Harry’s surprise. Not really the reply he was expecting. 

“I don’t know. Since before we broke it off maybe?” Harry really wasn’t sure since he only just realized it yesterday. “I just don’t want to do casual anymore. I want all of you. The dates. The morning after where we make pancakes. Everything” Harry confesses. 

“I want that too” 

“You do? Will you break it off with Talia then?” Harry asks, sounding hopeful. 

“Actually that’s what I wanted to talk to you about” 

Harry’s mind immediately starts racing as he stares at the carpet. It can’t be good if he wanted to talk about Talia. What if Simon was going to break it off with Harry because he wanted Talia more? What if he was going to tell Harry that he loved Talia not him? 

“I broke up with Talia yesterday after you left” Harry’s head immediately shots up, a look of shock present on his face. “I broke it off because we’ve had it coming for a while. And I couldn’t stop thinking about you” 

“Really?” Harry asks. His eyes sparkling with hope. Simon nods as he steps closer. Their faces only inches apart. 

“Please say it again Bog” Simon asks softly. His hot breath tickling Harry’s nose. 

“Say what again?” Harry is a little unsure what the other means. Simon’s hand falls on the shorter boy’s neck. His finger circling a bruise left from the previous day. 

“Tell me you love me again. Please. I need to hear it” Simon says breathlessly. His forehead pressed against Harry’s. His paralyzing grey eyes searching Harry’s. 

“I love you Si” Harry says gently. There was fire in Simon’s eyes. 

“I love you too!” Simon announces before rushing forwards and pressing his lips again the shorter boy. Simon moved onto Harry’s jaw shortly after. 

Simon hummed quietly as he sucked on a patch of skin under Harry’s jaw. Next the boys worked to pull their clothes off, throwing to the floor. Both boys then rushed to the bed. Simon’s hand trailed along the length of Harry’s dick. Harry exhaled loudly, and pressed into it. 

“I always want you,” Simon said into his skin, lips brushing over him. “I enjoy you every way you give yourself to me” 

Harry didn’t know how to respond to that “I want you so much,” he gasped, thrusting into Simon’s hand. 

Simon smiled against his neck. “I love you so much,” he murmured. “Going three years without you but since it led to here it was all worth it” 

Warmth spread through Harry. He could not believe how much those words affected him. How much love he felt. He wonders if Simon feels equally loved? The hand on his dick 

suddenly moved away and Harry whimpered, turning his head to look. Simon caught his lips in a gentle but deep kiss, and then Harry felt the hand trail over his hip to slide between their bodies and rest on his arse. 

“May I?” Simon asked, ending the kiss to look him in the eye. For some reason, his asking for permission made Harry flush and tremble. 

“You don’t need to ask,” he murmured. 

Simon smiled at him but disappeared. A few moments later Simon returned and a slick finger was circling Harry’s entrance. Harry shivered and moved his top leg to give him better access. Simon was unhurried in his movements. For longer than usual, he had Harry moaning and pushing back onto his fingers, desperate for him, but not wanting him to stop for one moment. Harry was bracing himself on one arm and clutching at the sheets desperately with another as he rocked upwards. 

When Simon finally breached him, Harry whimpered and pressed up against him. They moved together slowly and intimately. Simon held him close as they rocked together. 

* * *

It was after their third round when both boys were just too tired to continue. They just laid on top of the sheets, sweaty and naked. Both boys resting on their sides, watching the other catch their breath. Simon was running his hand through Harry’s moist hair. As Harry’s fingers spelled out words on the older’s waist. 

“How long have you been in love with me?” Harry asks. He has been very curious since Simon had returned his affections. 

“I think maybe the PAX trip in 2015” Simon admits. Harry was surprised. Simon has been in love with him for that long? For that long Harry had been hurting Simon by returning back to Katie and never staying the night with him? 

“That’s a long time” Harry says stupidly, he was dumbstruck. 

“Yeah,” Simon sighs, “That’s why I had such a hard time giving you up. I had already fallen for you” 

Harry’s mind jumps back to what Ethan said. Ethan told him that it was just lust. But Simon had really been in love almost the whole time. Did Simon want Harry to himself back then? Was he always sure he wanted a real relationship with Harry? 

“Are you gay? Bi?” Harry asks, once he remembered Ethan asking the same question before. 

“I don’t know. Bi I guess?” Simon answers hesitantly. “I don’t think I have ever been attracted to any guys others then you before” 

Harry felt the same way. He never really thought of his sexuality as a big deal. The only time it really crossed his mind was the first night they hooked up. It was Harry’s eighteenth birthday. The whole Sidemen group went to a bar and club, to celebrate Harry being of drinking age. Although it was not the first time Harry had been to a bar or club, having gone underage many times before. That night Harry got more drunk then he ever had and found himself in bed with an equally drunk Simon. To be honest Harry doesn’t remember much from that night, but he couldn’t ignore how his body craved for Simon after. Harry was just glad that their wasted asses had been able to sneak away without anyone noticing. 

“What do you think the others will say about our relationship?” Harry asks out loud once the question crossed his mind. 

“JJ already knows,” Simon says. His fingers stop moving in the younger’s hair. 

“What? Since when?” Harry asks, shocked yet again. 

“He knew during the first time. How do you think my hotel room, that I always share with JJ, was empty?” To be honest Harry has never thought about it before. He always just assumed JJ was out with girls, trying to get laid. 

“Okay so that means Ethan and JJ are the only ones who know,” Harry listed. “Did you tell anyone else? Did you tell Talia?” 

“I haven’t told anyone else” Simon’s fingers begin to move in the other’s hair again. Harry visibly relaxes as Simon continues, “When I broke up with Talia, I told her it was because we didn’t want the same things. She wanted to get married soon. I didn’t want that, especially since all I could think about was you” 

“Katie and I broke up cause I told her how she deserved someone who could be 100% themselves with her. I couldn’t help but crave you every time I was with her” Harry admits after realizing he never got the chance to explain his break up to Simon. The last time he was going to talk to him about it, they ended up fighting. 

“Have you told anyone you’re Bi?” Simon asks. 

“Didn’t I already tell the whole internet?” Harry jokes. Simon’s smile turns upwards once he realizes his dumb question. 

“Oh yeah. So you never struggled with it?” Simon presses on. 

“I did when we first hooked up, my eighteenth birthday but honestly I don’t think it is a big deal” Harry tells Simon as he watches the other’s wondrous grey eyes. “Have you struggled with your sexuality?” Harry asked back. 

“No not really. I think I just mostly struggled with my feelings for you rather than the fact that you are a boy” Simon says with a shrug. 

“So no coming out to your mummy?” Harry jokes. 

“Someday I will tell her about us,” he says. “Why do you always make fun of my mum?” Simon asks, playing sarcastically hurt. 

Harry laughs before admitting, “Cause I think you are hot when you are mad” Simon joins in on the laughter too. Harry loves the sound and doesn’t think he can ever get enough of it. 

“Now that we are dating-” Simon says. 

“Boyfriends” Harry adds. Simon stopped what he was saying briefly to smile at the other. 

“Yes boyfriends, do you think we should tell everyone?” Simon asks bring the conversation they started earlier. 

“Ethan asked me the same thing yesterday”

“Well what did you reply?” Simon questioned. 

“I told him I didn’t know” 

Simon thinks about it for a moment before talking, “I think maybe we should keep to ourselves for now. Then maybe tell the other Sidemen, close friends and families. I don’t know if we can ever tell the fans. I think it’s too big and risky but maybe someday” 

Harry could not agree more. He likes the idea of his family knowing and their close friend group but letting his fans know just seemed dangerous. Some kids proby won’t care but the majority of their fanbase were ten year old trolls. Also Harry couldn’t imagine the field day Keemstar would have. 

“That sounds fine to me,” Harry says, agreeing to Simon’s plan. 

“Why were you with Ethan?” Simon asked while chewing on his lip. 

“He was helping me” Simon’s face didn’t soften so Harry added, “I asked him for advice on what I should do with my feelings for you” 

“Hm” was Simon’s reply. His face still held tight. Ethan and Simon get along just fine on Sidemen shoots or in big crowds. But it’s a front. Their friendship tanked after Ethan threatened Harry. Simon held a grudge at the other, even after Harry begged him to forgive Behz. 

“He also apologized for his behavior towards us when he found out,” Harry continues. 

“That’s not why I am mad at him. He had every right to be mad at us for risking the other’s career. But he should never keep bringing you down about Katie. You already felt guilty enough, you didn’t need him to keep reminding you about it” 

Harry understood what Simon meant. After all he hasn’t fully forgiven Ethan as well, but it was because of Behz that Simon’s and Harry’s deal got bad so quickly. With Harry’s addiction to Ket and his relationship with Katie, their friends with benefits thing was bound to come crashing down, but Ethan made it come quicker than either hoped. 

“He apologized about that too. I told him that I didn’t quite forgive him but I want to move on” Harry says. Pulling on Simon’s hips, in order to press their chest together. Simon’s long legs wrapped around Harry’s. 

“He was pushing you to the edge” Simon blames. He always blamed himself for Harry’s drug problem, but he also figured Ethan played a part in it too. Harry would disagree. Neither of them pushed Harry to addiction. 

“No, I pushed myself to the edge. I would not admit what I wanted” Harry states, “He only wanted to keep everyone from getting hurt” 

“I am still mad at him. He should’ve minded his own business” Simon retorts angrily. 

“Hey I was the one cheating. I deserved it” Harry tries to reason as his hands play with the sheet between them. Simon’s face warps to worry. 

“No you didn’t deserve it! I almost lost you! You did not deserve to die!” Simon spat back. His hand reaching out and tightening around Harry’s wrist. “You were just young. You had so much on your plate and too many confusing thoughts. Everything was new to you. Your fame, the money, moving away from home, your relationship with Katie, your feelings for me. It was a lot. It was hard to know what you really wanted and to chose what was right when there is so much going on” 

“I still chose wrong! I cheated on a girl who deserves the world, I hurt you and I became addicted to Ket and Ecstasy!” Harry shots back, his voice raising. 

“That was the past” Simon whispers softly. He had let go of Harry’s wrist and instead moved on with padding his thumb across the younger boy’s cheek. 

“Sometimes I still crave them” Harry admits quietly, his eyes squeezing shut. He did not want to see Simon’s face after his admission. 

“That is just the addiction talking. You know ket causes depression. I don’t want you there again” Simon says. His thumb tracing Harry’s jawline. 

“The ket helped with the depression but only when I was high. After it only made it worse. I took it so much I built up a tolerance for it, which led me to overdose” His skin tickled as Simon’s thumb continued to move over it. 

Simon remained quiet for a while before asking, “Why did you take it then?” 

“I smoke weed mostly to get out of my mind but I took ket to stop feeling alone and sad” 

“I am never leaving you again. I hate that you felt that. That you needed a drug just to feel happy” Simon claims as he pulls Harry further into his chest. Wrapping his arm around his face. He started to pick at the acne on Harry’s back. “What about the drinking? Have you cut back on that?” 

Harry’s drinking had also turned bad. When Harry couldn’t be on ket, he found himself drinking in order to get rid of the lows he felt. Therefore when he wasn’t high, he drank. And when he was drunk, he would snort some ket. Sometimes he would even drink and be high on ket at the same time. That usually led to some crazy hallucinations. When Harry overdosed he was lucky he hadn’t been drinking. He was unable to move and he could feel his heart racing. Eventually he had started convulsing. Lucky Freezy had found him right away. 

“Yeah I would drink to cut loose. To forget. I have cut back on the drinking. Ecstasy did the same but I stopped taking it cause the lows only made me more depressed” Harry admits. The soft hand on his back relaxing him. The warmth of Simon’s body calming him. He hates reliving that day, but there isn’t a day that he doesn’t have a flashback of it. 

“I am so glad you got better. Ket and ecstasy are very dangerous together. I am just glad you are safe now” Simon says, his lip pressing against the top of Harry’s hairline. 

“Me too. This is the happiest I’ve been in years” Harry whispers into Simon’s neck. 

“Same” 

“I love you,” Harry says after a few seconds. 

“I love you too,” Simon says as he continues to kiss Harry’s forehead. They sit in silence for a few minutes. Both just thinking. Thinking about their past. Thinking about the conversation they just had. Thinking about their future. 

“So what does the future look like for us?” Harry asked after a good fifteen minutes of them enjoying the silence. 

“Well I am going to take you on a date. I would love to go to a football game with you” Simon says. He has the largest lopsided smile on his face. His breathtaking grey eyes sparkling. 

“Leeds?” Harry asks, returning a just as big smile. 

“No we can go to whatever team you are supporting now since it’s always changing. Arsenal? Chelsea?” Simon says, throwing shade at Harry’s ever changing opinion. 

“Any game is fine, Si” Harry replies, poking Simon in the side. 

“How did I get so lucky with you?” Simon says, sticking his tongue out at the other. 

“What is so great about me?” Harry asks jokingly, but generally interested to hear what Simon says. 

“Everything. I love your dry humor. I love how you care for all your friends. I love the way you taste. I love your freckled back. I love all of you” 

“I love you too” Harry says, rolling his eyes playfully. Laughing, Simon pulled the shorter boy into a slow but deep kiss. Harry loved it when they kissed like that. Harry could feel the electricity tenfold when they kissed like that. He was excited to do it forever with Simon. He is so happy to find his other half. He feels so lucky as well. 

Simon pulls back briefly and tries to catch his breath. His eyes filled with love as he watched Harry’s eyes. “Oh also I love how blue your eyes are. They are as blue as the sky on a clear day. I can’t get over them” 

Harry’s heart melts with happiness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. There are just a few things I wanted to add. Firstly this story is completely fictional. I know Simon’s eyes aren’t grey but I wanted them a different color then Harry’s. Also I don’t hate either Katie or Talia. In fact I think both couples are amazing and adorable. Secondly I wanted to apologize if there are any errors. I am from the US and have never traveled to the UK before. Thus somethings might be geographically wrong or terms might not be in British slang. Lastly this story was named after “ In You Eyes” by The Weekend. But the story was not inspired by the song. Rather I thought the song kind of fit. This story was actually inspired by the Sidmen’s video “Sidemen Speed Dating” when Simon says he and Harry had a thing in the past and when Harry scrunches his face in response. The idea of writing a story about them having a thing in the past came to mind. So I hope you liked it! Please leave a comment! And thanks for reading!


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